In her first blog for Sands, Annika shares her precious babies and how the Sands online support assisted her in her grief.
"Sands gave me a safe place, an online haven where I could openly grieve
my little babies and talk about our fears of infertility. "
Four tiny babies
who graced this earth for only a brief moment in time. Some, only days, others
only weeks. We discovered that the endometriosis I had been dealing with since
I was 11 was the cause of our losses and so I underwent surgery at the end of
2013 to remove it. We went through all of this in a city where we had no close friends, and we had no
family.
The devastation of losing our biggest baby who stayed with us until only 6 weeks and 1 day was overwhelming and inescapable. I felt alone, lost, and ripped from motherhood. I tried to find local support groups, anything in my city it help me through the grief but unfortunately I could find nothing available. My loss was too early you see, and therefore I felt that our little baby was insignificant.
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| Annika's Angel tattoo in memory of Baby Pearce |
Looking back, it
is clear that I had mild depression for the better part of 18 months. I
couldn't let the pregnancy go and was continuously counting down until the due
date, October 25th
2013. My body was empty, but my mind carried on ticking off the milestones as
they came and went. It was exhausting. During that time we saw two more
positive pregnancy tests which faded until they too were gone.
I tried to reach
out to friends and colleagues but was told countless times that “it wasn't like
I lost an actual baby”, that I “needed help” when all I wanted was a hug, that
“it was for the best” and that I was just being “impatient”.
I believed them of
course. My babies were barely babies. I hadn't lost a “real” baby. I hadn't gone
through labour and delivered a still baby. I didn't have a name for them,
didn’t know if they were boys or girls. I never saw any of them in any
ultrasound. I felt so ashamed for grieving the loss of my babies when I was
grieving something that was never really there in the first place. It was very
confusing and depressing and I struggled, still struggle with these thoughts.
There were three
people who I could talk to about my loss at that point. My husband, my Mum, and
someone who unexpectedly has become one of my closest friends. Without her, I’m
not sure where I would be in my grief journey, but I am certain I wouldn't be
where I am today.
A little over a
month earlier she lost her daughter at 39 weeks. She lost her baby girl. She
held her daughter in her arms and said hello, then goodbye. But she was the ONE
person who told me that mine were real babies too, that they were little lives,
not little losses. She was the person who introduced me to Sands.
Sands gave me a
safe place, an online haven where I could openly grieve my little babies and
talk about our fears of infertility. Speaking with women who had lost babies at
all stages of pregnancy and during the neonatal period opened my eyes to a
world I never knew existed and it was full of people who just had so much love
and support to give, even in their darkest hours. The members of Sands brought
me out of a bad place and they gave me hope. But most importantly they gave my
babies' little lives
recognition. Without any pictures, or proof of ever being pregnant, even for the shortest of time, they still recognized my tiny
babies and continue to do so.
The members of Sands
are an inspiration. Because of Sands I now have some amazing people in my life
who will no doubt always be in my life. And while I can't begin to understand
the grief of losing a baby at later stages of pregnancy, even as I watched my
closest friend go through exactly that, I am better equipped to give advice and
support to them too.
My son is asleep
as I write this. There isn't a moment when I am not grateful for the baby we
were able to bring home. There are times when I am sad, where I imagine the
little people who would be playing in the living room with my son, but I can
imagine them and smile through the sadness instead of cry. I am at peace with
my losses now and I feel so lucky to be where I am today. Through my son’s
pregnancy and with other subsequent pregnancies I know I will continue to have
support, and be able to provide support to others. It really doesn't seem
enough to say this, but ‘thank you’.
To read more about
my journey through miscarriage, TTC, and our rainbow’s pregnancy please visit
my blog page at: https://letshaveababybaby.wordpress.com
Annika
If you require support after reading this blog please contact
Sands on 13 000 72637
Annika Pearce
My name is Annika and I am a qualified Ambulance Paramedic living in Canberra. I love to be there for others and biology and pre-hospital medicine are a passion I share with my husband, Ben. The light of our lives, Henry, was born at the end of 2014 following a succession of four early miscarriages due to endometriosis. Our biggest Angel, Baby Pearce, who I carried for only 6 weeks at the beginning of 2013 has become the source of my inspiration for blogging and developing a Canberra-based online support group for women who have experienced a pregnancy or neonatal loss. My hope is to create a local support network, where we can share and be there for each other, as Sands created for me. As we begin our journey of conceiving our second rainbow there is still fear, but also hope and excitement.
You can read Annika's personal blog here
