To the newly bereaved parent,
Please know that you're not alone. I want to share my
story of medical termination.
This was extremely hard to write and share, in a world
full of supportive people we have certainly felt alone because it's such a taboo
and people are scared to talk about anything to do with the loss of a child.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where,
we as humans, are judged for what shoes we wear, what house we live in and
whether we like boys or girls so when we had to make a heartbreaking choice, it became apparent that we would be fearful of
what people would think.
The reality is that you are not in our shoes and you
never will be. Even if you have to take the same path as us your story will
still be different. Although we wish this would never happen to anyone the
reality is once you get outside the bubble you live in it's everywhere, people are
silently grieving, too afraid to let people know what's going on because they
are scared of judgement. I've met some of the strongest mothers and heard their
stories, some full term, miscarriages and medical terminations, the way people
treat their child as if they don't exist weeks after they went through the
toughest struggles is appalling. It took me almost 12 months to grieve my best
friend passing away, she was my puppy of 15 years. ’’Getting over” a child
passing away will not happen in weeks, months or years because you don't
"get over them", they are a
part of you forever. I feel If we share her story and someone you know or
perhaps years down the track your children or children children’s have to face
something like this you might be able to say that you knew people who went
through this and you know that they survived and made it through.
This story is about our daughter Chloe who is no longer
in my tummy we should be around 8 months pregnant today but sadly I am not. In
a few weeks I would be on maternity leave and instead we are trying to find our
"new normal". This story is about 10 weeks of survival, learning how
strong your marriage is, courage, loyalty, friendships, love and a $h!t unfair
situation. It's not being posted for you to feel sorry for us we have done
enough of that for ourselves but more for awareness. #breakthesilence. It's to
help us in our grieving process because bumping into people in the street that
don't know our story is terrifying.
On the 30th of April 2016 we should have been welcoming a
precious bundle of joy into our lives listening to her cry, changing her nappy,
watching her smile and grow and instead we will release balloons and blow out
candles cake on behalf of her. We we're faced with decision that we would never
wish upon anyone, we planned a funeral when others listened to their babies
beautiful cry and we set a baby room up for our little girl and this room
remains empty. She was sent to be with the angels at only 21 weeks gestation.
Her name is Chloe Fay Mason. She is the daughter of Troy
and Zena Mason and although you can't physically see her in our arms she
existed. She was 26cm the same length as a big cordial bottle. She had my nose
and the rest of her was her daddy. She had long feet and hands, little specs of
blonde hair and she was ours. Made with love! And certainly missed already.
On the 10th of December we went for our 20 week scan
(5 months) right on Troy's birthday.What a cool present this would be to find
out if our baby was to be a girl or a boy right?? We're in the "safe"
zone what could possibly go wrong. The ultrasound person couldn't tell us the
sex though he did mention that the baby yawned and waved at us, he failed to
mention why he was paying particular attention to her spine and brain, he was
actually silent the whole way through. Little did we know that this was the
start of something much bigger.
We were surprised when we were called into Mater hospital
on the 14th December and this is we're we would be told that we we're having a
baby girl and than hit with information that our little Chloe was not well. She
had Spina Bifida, Hydrocephalus, Chiari Malformation, Arnold Chairi 2.
What this basically meant to us without a doctors degree
is she had a lot of spinal fluid on her brain (lemon shaped head), they could
see issues with her spine and an open pocket on her back exposing her spinal
cord, this pocket normally closes off during the first few weeks of being
conceived. We were told if she were to survive (they weren't sure) and even
make it to full term she would be straight into the operation theatre at not
even a day old to have a permanent stint put into her brain to drain the fluid
build up that she would forever have, she would then go into an operation to
close the opening on her spine to stop her exposed spinal cords from showing
and getting infected. This wouldn't fix the problem though the damage already
happened when she was 2-4 weeks gestation. Although some might live with this, their
story is not ours and we're all not the same.
We walked into that room wanting to find out the sex of
the baby and walked out with a heavy heart and what felt like a house sitting
on our shoulders. The doctor told us the outlook on her life would be grim. She would be brain dead, she wouldn't be able
to walk, we would be changing nappies for the rest of her life and she would be
in a wheelchair. The doctor gave us two
chooses 1. medical termination or 2. we continue on and "if" she
makes it full term we would have support. I used to think the hardest decision
I would have with a child was what school they would go to or whether or not to
breastfeed. But choosing whether your child should die or stay alive is by far
the hardest!
We waited for the doctor to write up all this information
in a room full of happily expecting pregnant ladies but we were distraught, our
brains were going one million miles an hour and we still had to drive home.
When we got home we were silent we had no idea what to do. Googling what we had heard had never seemed so
important and some how Troy and I had to come together in the end to be on the
same page. I searched spina bifida pages and I found all the fabulous stories
of the children who have parts of Chloe's diagnosis but what I had to realise
is everyone's stories are different and no one shares the "terrible"
stories. What heartache the parents went through or what the child had to go
through. We just hoped the doctors weren't incorrect.
After many consultations with doctors and lots of tears
we chose to take the pain now so our Chloe didn't have to. We didn't want to
bring a child into the world just to have her exist without living. Would she
even know that we existed? What life would she have? The guilt we live with everyday
would never be as painful as it would be to watch as she grew without
"growing". I've been in retirement homes and I've seen young people
in here who can't fend for themselves is this what she would be like? A board
of doctors had to approve our decision and when they did I was admitted to the
hospital it was so close to Christmas. After waiting and contractions after
contractions I went had Chloe via L&D the morning of the 19th December
(right in between Troy’s and my birthday) with limited pain relief - I felt I
needed to take some pain for our little girl. And I will tell you now the
labour stories people gave me when I was pregnant will never scare me because
nothing can quite prepare you for birth of your baby let alone to a little
angel.
When little Chloe was put into our arms we couldn't
celebrate because this is what ended her life,
she didn't cry, she didn't move, she was cold and we were numb. We spent
a full day with her, dressed her, gave her kisses because she was our beautiful
girl and this would be the last time we would ever see her and those moments
will have to last a lifetime.
She had the obvious signs of her diagnosis, a lemon
shaped malformed skull and the spina bifida sacral lesion on her back.
Everything else we were told of would have to wait till the autopsy was done.
We can't get any of those moments back but we were lucky enough to get precious
photos of her from heartfelt photography so we can never forget her face. She
had family and friends visit her as well as flowers and cards from beautiful
people across the state. Chloe got cuddles from her aunties and uncles and
grandma.
Every day after we woke up and we wished it was all a big
nightmare I would look down at my tummy and see a belly that was empty. I only
recognised her movements after she was no longer in me. If going through labour
wasn't enough, your hormones are so messed up and to make matters worse the
breast lk decides it might pay a visit.
Life sucked completely for the first month after she was
born. Even though you have just had a baby people fail to realise that you
should be taking it easy because there is no physical sign of a child.
Conversations are awkward because no one knows what to say and everyone looks
at you with sad eyes. The simplest of tasks are a big effort and some days I
felt like I was a two year old chucking a tantrum. I couldn't have got through
with my amazing husband.
Chloe was in getting her autopsy done and this would take
3 weeks. On my birthday we were asked if they could keep her brain and spine as
they were running behind. We told them to take their time in hope it might shed
some more light. We never imagined our pregnancy to end this way, after all no
one shares the terrible stories.
Each week was something new first we had to find items to
have with her for the cremation, visiting her in her itty bitty coffin with all
the special effects that grandmas and aunts had provided (photos of her
cousins, letters and drawings) her birth certificate arriving, her ashes, her
death certificate, cards in the mail, donations and preparation for her
ceremony. When would getting all these triggers end.
It was then time we had to go back to the same hospital
we got our Chloe's diagnosis from. We talked to the doctor about everything
that had happened. We were advised the likelihood of this happening again would
be very unlikely. I asked questions like; the fact that I had a doctor’s appointment
prior to trying and they didn't say anything about my bloods, I took my
prenatal vitamins prior to convincing isn't this meant to prevent it? We ate
well, I lost 20kg, didn't drink, my husband quit smoking - why did this happen…
Apparently 70% of NTD can be prevented by your pregnancy supplements the other
30% , they call it "just one of those things". I've had my folate and
folic acid tested and I had a higher range in my system which is subject to nine
months of tablets and now I've had to add in ten times the amount through a jar
of $5 pills which we think mothers should just take regardless!
We had a ceremony for Chloe on Australia Day at the place
where we got married. We had a balloon to release, but Chloe decided it would
be better to go earlier and it was released in the car. Chloe had around 30
people come (more would have) and we had a lovely celebrant say some beautiful
things. We had some tables set up with some of her special effects, her birth
certificate, her pictures, teddies, funeral books and memory jars made just for
her. We then spread a small amount of ashes in the ocean and blew bubbles. It
was perfect and heart-warming that we had so much support from our amazing
friends and family.
The situation we have been in has been very $h!T, my husband
and I are stronger than ever, we have learnt a lot about true friends and
family, the support we have received off of the "Facebook world" has
been nothing short of amazing, even when I'm having tantrums. The messages, the
calls, the cards, the flowers, the thoughts and the kind words. The support
from our work, the assistance from the hospital and the doctors it makes us
feel so lucky and appreciative in a time when "luck" isn't in our
side.
We personally wouldn't be where we are today without some
key people in my life, new and old virtual and real. I've met some people from
all around the world on support groups for people in this terrible club. In a
time when you feel so alone you start to realise that you are not. To help my
healing I donated my wedding dress to angel gowns to make little angel dresses,
I edited photos of other angels and put them into special wall features for
their parents. I've seen so much pain on these groups and if I could have any
super power it would be to give everyone's babies back and let them have them
forever! When I hear people in the normal world complaining about something to
do with their child it does make me sad. This is because little things like
being up late at night to crying, or teething, or fevers is a luxury in my new
world these things are things that mothers in this "group" would die
to have. Hug your children and loved ones tightly and please enjoy these
precious moments. All kinds of tragedies strike when we least expect it and
life shouldn't be taken for granted.
My husband went back to work in the new year and I was
back at work on the 15th Feb which was 9 weeks after her birth. Australia is
amazing for recognising her birth and allowing me access maternity leave,
however had she been 19 weeks instead of 20 we wouldn't have been so lucky.
Which makes me sad. I've had the privilege of seeing many beautiful angels at
all gestations and I can tell you a baby is a baby as soon as it's conceived!
The emotional turmoil that is left whether for miscarriage, stillbirth, being
in NICU or medical termination is huge but to not be told that they exist prior
to 20 weeks is just messed up.
What hurts more is when people use words that make these
big events in our lives less significant think about what you say to people
before you say it! I used to be a big "positive" person! You would
hear me say everything happens for a reason but how can I say that now? Someone
in the universe chose to give Chloe a terrible diagnosis, made us go through
labour, death, and organising a funeral so I can learn?? I’d rather not have
the lesson thanks... What child would you give up to learn a lesson in life?
If your still reading thank you! Chloe's story will only
close, when we allow it to and we won't. She will always be our first baby
girl.. our child! Just because she isn't here doesn't mean she doesn't exist.
She will be remembered until the day we die. We waited ten years to make a
perfect life for her.. little did we know that nothing on the outside could
have helped what was going on inside. We have no regrets with our decision the
only regret we have is not spending time with her in my tummy and worrying
about others too much. This year we are being selfish in some instances and not
feeling guilty for it. "Fit our oxygen first, before helping others".
We ended a very much wanted pregnancy.
We have changed, parts of us are broken but we're
survivors and we've survived so far.
The end. Zena Mason
If you require support after reading this blog please contact
Zena is a full time administration officer, wife and mother to 4 furry animals as well as one beautiful angel called Chloe. This journey has been hard but she says that she has met some strong women and made friendships with people from across the world.
She's on a mission to not let Chloe's memory disappear she was a very wanted child for Zena and her husband. Zena is very open about Chloe's story because it’s such a taboo and it's important to raise awareness for all mothers who have lost a child but specifically through medical termination. She says "if we can raise awareness we will then create more supportive friends and family and hopefully one day we won't need to suffer in silence and feel so alone".
