As we approach Father’s Day, Sands
Volunteer Parent Supporter, Chris Tsockallos reflects on what Father’s Day is
like for him.
Eleven years ago, my wife delivered twins at 19 weeks gestation and our lives were completely shattered. After many years of fertility treatment to achieve this pregnancy, we didn’t even know if we could get pregnant again. We didn’t know if we would ever be parents to a living child. Our feelings of grief and loss were so overwhelming in those first few weeks and months, we needed to take time to physically and emotionally deal with what we were going through.
We
first heard about Sands through the hospital. We attended a number of support
meetings and I spoke to bereaved fathers at the meetings who were very
supportive. I got to hear about their journeys through this difficult time.
Sometimes
men may find it harder to open up as they feel they may need to be strong
through this difficult period. In a lot of cases the father may be the
financial provider and he may need to return to work.
Significant
days like anniversaries, holidays, and Father’s Day can bring up very mixed
emotions. For bereaved fathers, Father’s Day is a challenging day which may
bring up feelings of great emotional sadness.
Each
father deals with their loss in different ways. I like to spend part of my day
on my own with my thoughts of my children who are not here with me on the day.
Each Father’s Day we visit our twins at the cemetery. Although I think about
our twins every day, on Father’s Day I like to be as close as I can with them
and to reflect on my love for them and the place they hold in my heart. To me
this is a time when I feel the closest to them.
Father’s
Day is a day of emotional contrast for me. I get to celebrate the day with my
ten year old daughter while at the same time reflect on my children who are not
with me.
Some
fathers may like to keep busy and active through physical recreation or
surround themselves with family. Each dad has their own way of dealing with
Father’s Day.
The
one thing I have learned through grieving for our twins is not to be afraid to
let your emotions out. If you need to cry or feel sad do it. Also don’t be
afraid to ask for help. Talk to your partner. Let her know how you are feeling.
If you have a family member or friend who will listen, talk to them about how
you are feeling. Please also remember that Sands has a dedicated Men’s
Support Line where you can speak to other bereaved Dads who have a level of
empathy that others males may not have. Talking to someone who has gone through
a similar experience can be of huge help.
It
is also important to communicate with your partner and be there for each other.
Every
day I think about our twins. I wonder what they would have been like. I feel
sad that they are not here with us. However they are always in my heart. While
I am saddened by our loss, at the same time I feel thankful for our daughter
who has brought so much joy into our lives.
Chris
Tsockallos
If you require support after reading
this blog please contact
Sands on
1300 072 637
Eleven years ago, my wife delivered twins at 19 weeks gestation
and our lives were completely shattered. After many years of fertility
treatment to achieve this pregnancy, we didn’t even know if we could get
pregnant again. We didn’t know if we would ever be parents to a living child.
Our feelings of grief and loss were so overwhelming in those first few weeks
and months, we needed to take time to physically and emotionally deal with what
we were going through.
Sands were extremely supportive to my wife and myself after the
loss of our twins. We attended a number of support meetings and I spoke to
bereaved dads at the meetings who were very helpful. I got to hear about their
journey through this difficult time. Speaking to them was invaluable.
Now it is time for me to give back to Sands. As a Sands
Volunteer Parent Supporter I think I can help other dads through such a
difficult time.
You can read more about Chris here.
