Blaming Yourself

Sands blogger - Nicola Garcia talks about the cycle of grief...

A counsellor who has not been through loss cannot stand in your shoes.

Well-meaning family and friends can’t possibly understand the depth to which your feelings of despair run.

A person, like myself, who has lost a baby – does not experience it in quite the same way.

It is never an identical loss but human nature can be predictable.

That’s why we have cycles of grief.

That’s why there is advice that rings true for you.

That’s why there are things that can help you pull through.

As a Mother of loss, I can say quite confidently that feelings of blame arise, the finger mostly pointed at yourself.

Although people tell you it’s not your fault you wonder.

If I didn’t have that glass of wine.

If I didn’t eat all that cake.

Was it that time I fell?

Maybe I should have been taking it easy.

I shouldn’t have let myself get so stressed.

I can’t believe I complained about being pregnant, maybe the Universe heard me?  

The only thing we gain by blaming and shaming ourselves is a deeper sense of unease. A deeper sense of loss.  A deeper hole in which to dig ourselves.

Sometimes that is what we want. Sometimes that is what we need. To make the loss bigger, to make the loss engulf who we are. To let the loss become something that we can control.

To feel the pain and then stab ourselves harder.

So we fall down. To relieve the sense of needing to get up. To relieve the sense of moving on without our babies.

But life goes on.

Life circles you and time lightens your load.

Blame recedes.

Grief lessens.

But your baby is gone.

Your loss is still real.

And the world seems a little less understanding.

My new baby was in hospital recently. An emergency dash which was one of the scariest of my entire life. I thought he was going to die. I thought it was my fault.

And I let myself spiral.

He was fine and it wasn’t my fault.

But I was very quick to go there.

It’s human nature.

Whether we know better or not, we all go through it.

So as you blame yourself, think of the other Mothers who are going through the same thing; imagine them holding your hand in understanding.

Then breathe in and let it go.

It’s not your fault.

You cannot control everything in life.

And if you could, your love for your baby would have been stronger than any of your actions or thoughts and would have kept your baby safe.

Your loss and my loss is an unexplainable event that just is. That just was.

Find it within yourself to live life more vibrantly than before.

Then, when you and your baby touch hands again in heaven, you can tell them how life-changing they were, how you found out how deep your love goes and that they showed you exactly just how precious life is. 

If you would like to talk to someone our Parent Supporters are available to talk to: 1300 0 SANDS

Nicole Garcia

Nicola is a qualified social scientist, intent on studying the human race and finding out the truth about life. Her gift is passing on the information and helping others become the best versions of themselves. Her degree in creative writing makes her writing, your reading pleasure. Her passion for health ensures that you have up to date information on the latest and greatest ways to nourish you. She is a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter a Sister, A Friend and a beautiful human being intent on being the best person she can be.  A green -juice drinking, yoga positioning, meditation junkie who loves her life with a fierce passion.

Nicola’s first book, How To Become One Healthy Mama is available from here. You can also read her posts on motherhood over at her blog The Yogic Housewife 

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