Stages by Jess L

The following was a piece Jess wrote many many months ago. Reading it back now is hard because she remembers how she felt when she wrote it, dark, betrayed, hopeless…she still has those days now though they’re further and farther in between. She's posting this because she think it’s important to reflect on your journey, even the bad moments and while now at almost 12 months after their loss they are still no closer to expanding their family,she thinks it’s still important to share this. This piece is in no way a reflection of who she is or how she feels 99% of the time.

I’ve decided to write about my stages of living with grief. I’m not sure if/when I’ll ever post this….I suppose it depends on the outcome.

I never wanted to be anything other than a Mum, literally! Sure, now I have a few ideas as to what I’d like to do when I ‘grow up’ but my whole life, that has been my one goal. I’m so very fortunate to be a stay at home Mum to my now 2 year old boy Adam, but it’s 2015. I turn 30 in 2 months!!!

I had always planned to be DONE by 30. 2 or 3 kids under my belt, looking far into the future beyond kids. But now, 7 months (today) after the loss of our daughter at 39 weeks, I’m stuck! I spoke earlier about stages, I call this stage just what it is, Trying to Conceive.

Since our angel was born we agreed that we wanted to try again. As scared stiff as we are about what could happen, bottom line is we wanted our family! Moreover, a sibling (or 2) for our boy. I’ve been an avid blog/article reader since Emma was born. Some have lifted my spirits, some broken my heart all over again. There seems to be a lot of material out there for pregnancy after loss but what about try to conceive? What about when you feel that getting pregnant again will help you heal, help you deal better with all your friends new babies and the overabundance of pregnant women wherever you look!! And what if you can’t have that? What if what you wanted was taken from you as was the ability to conceive again? I’m not saying this will be the case for us, we have terrific doctors who are helping us at every opportunity. I’m positive it will happen eventually but for now it feels like the clock is tick, tick, ticking away.

When some friends announced their pregnancies shortly after Emma was born I was upset but always thought, ‘I’ll be pregnant again by then anyway, it’ll be ok.’ But one will be born this Friday and another in a couple of weeks….and here’s me, 7 months without my baby in my arms or in my body. Today feels hopeless, like nothing matters and it never will. Stay tuned for stage 2….

Jess

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Jessica Lawless

Jessica lives in Victoria. She is the wife to Shane and a Mum to 2 beautiful kids - Adam, nearly 2 and Emma, born sleeping August 2014.

I like to practice yoga, cook, read and spend all my time being a SAHM with Adam. My family and friends are my whole world, there is barley a distinction between the two.

I hope by being so open and honest about my experiences I can help raise awareness and provide support for others.