Christmas Time Again byJess

Jess reflects on her first Christmas in 2014 without precious Emma as well as sharing some wonderful news with our followers.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Stores are full of glittering tinsel and chirpy Christmas carols and front yards are transformed into technicolour sound and light shows. A Santa sits in every shopping centre, waiting to help you create lasting memories for your family. Clearly I love Christmas time!

Christmas 2014 it had only been 4 months since losing my daughter Emma at 39 weeks. Last year I wanted nothing to do with the holiday season. Every day that drew closer to December 25^th, every decorated yard and every damn Christmas carol felt like a knife through my heart. How could we celebrate as a family when our family was in pieces?

I tried to withdraw from everything. Every celebration, every party, every gathering. I wanted to be with my husband and son, at home, shut away. I was safe there, I could control the memories there. The people we had been depending on the most were the least understanding. No one could fathom why after such a tragedy we didn’t want to be around them at such a ‘happy’ time of year.

Thinking now of how sad and lost I was then, makes me feel almost sick. I remember feeling that gaping hole in the pit of my stomach, such hopelessness, such sadness…I miss her, I miss her every day still but this year I can’t wait for Christmas. Tomorrow (Dec 1) the tree will go up! I’ll go shopping for a special ornament for our tree to help remember our little angel. We’ll send Christmas cards and bake gingerbread men!

It has taken 13 long months to find some ‘ok’ with what happened to us. We are now so very blessed that just in time for Christmas we can share that we are expecting our 3^rd child (in June 2016.)

There was nothing to save the pain last year, we simply had to endure it and just be with each other. This year Christmas morning while our almost 3 year old rips through his myriad of gifts, I’ll light a candle for our little angel in Heaven and we’ll remember her and we’ll be together because sometimes, it’s all you can do.

Merry Christmas

Jess

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Jessica Lawless

Jessica lives in Victoria. She is the wife to Shane and a Mum to 2 beautiful kids - Adam, nearly 2 and Emma, born sleeping August 2014.

I like to practice yoga, cook, read and spend all my time being a SAHM with Adam. My family and friends are my whole world, there is barley a distinction between the two.

I hope by being so open and honest about my experiences I can help raise awareness and provide support for others.