The Start by Lauren

'I hope I find the strength to live life with zest like I use to and to not be afraid. I don’t know what this life now means for me but I’m willing to start the journey to find out.'

Lovingly lifted from Pinterest

Not really sure where I’m at, stuck somewhere between ok and completely falling apart. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that it stops me in my tracks. I feel like my chest is caving in and I long for this nightmare to be over. I often feel like it’s just a dream and I will wake up and she will be in my tummy and we only have a couple more weeks to get through before she is here in my arms. Then I remember, I remember the look in Jonathan’s eyes, the face of the nurses and the words from my doctor and the nightmare starts again. I go through in my head all those moment and the heartbreaking week that followed. How is it possible I’m still standing, if I could have somehow disappeared, I think I would have. Instead I/we have had to face every day, with no choice but to live it and feel it. It’s not happy, it’s not enjoyable, it’s just empty. There is this huge chunk of my being and my heart missing, this space in my life and arms where my daughter should be. The lump in my throat hurts every time I think of her or I have to tell my story. I didn’t want this; I wanted my fairytale in which my perfect little family was happy and healthy. My amazing husband and gorgeous baby girl were going to be my focus and number one priority.

But what now? Who am I and what does it all mean? I want to believe and have to believe that this all happened for a reason because my faith in life, love and God can’t let this be ‘just one of those things.’ It must be a greater purpose that I just can’t see right now because otherwise it’s just cruel and unfair. I understand I have a privileged life and I may take it for granted sometimes but don’t worry, I now get the memo that I’m not immune from bad shit happening to me. I will try and be a good person and help others. I pray that my little girl looks over her dad, me and our families to keep us safe. I hope I find the strength to live life with zest like I use to and to not be afraid. I don’t know what this life now means for me but I’m willing to start the journey to find out.

Lauren x

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Lauren Samuels

Lauren Samuels is a Melbourne based blogger. Through her own personal journey of losing her full term daughter to stillbirth it has been a huge test of character to keep moving and feel alive again. Blogging and sharing her personal experience has helped to make sense of the curve balls life has thrown and now she is all about enjoying the small things each and every day. Lauren is a wife to Jonathan, Mother to her angel Laylah and pregnant with bubba 2. You can follow her journey at www.enjoythesmallthings.com.au or on instagram @enjoythe.smallthings