As I sit here writing this I am currently in limbo land, still possibly pregnant and experiencing the odd reminder through a wave of nausea, but looming is an impending miscarriage, now my sixth in total. Having seen a heartbeat last week, we were told that it was too slow for 6.5 weeks and that loss was inevitable.
Waiting to miscarry is almost as bad as the miscarrying stage itself, at least then you can start to pick up the pieces and try to move on, but the waiting game is well, a cruel joke.
My partner and I have been trying to conceive for coming up to 2.5 years and while we've had no trouble falling pregnant, maintaining a pregnancy beyond the first trimester seems to evade us. Over this time I've seen A LOT of friends and work mates announce their pregnancies, often just as I am experiencing a loss. Although you may think it gets easier, each happy announcement is a huge blow and makes me wonder time and time again "What is wrong with me?"
I think my most difficult loss to date was my second. We saw the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks and everything was looking perfect, a strong heart rate and the foetus was to size. Fast forward a week or so and I noticed I felt a lot 'less pregnant' and a lot more 'normal'. I organised a GP appt and the Dr reluctantly let me book an early scan at 9 weeks for my peace of mind. Needless to say my intuition was spot on and as the silence lingered during my scan, the doctor taking longer and longer to say anything, I knew we'd had another loss. Even though I had my suspicions, it still threw me for six as really I knew little about pregnancy symptoms still. The aftermath of that loss still makes me feel sick. I cried, I mean bawled, deep primal bawls when I got home, not stopping for days. Waking up in the mornings and remembering I wasn't pregnant anymore would set me off for another round of being a sobbing mess. I now hate, I mean truly detest, going for scans and will be in a bad mood leading up to them, picking petty arguments with my partner. Luckily for me he can now see I am only lashing out due to my anxiety levels going through the roof, but it's not nice.
Something I mourn still is my former trust in my body. No one believes they are going to be the 1 in 8 females that has trouble conceiving naturally. Although like a lot of females I have never completely loved my body, I always believed that if I looked after it, it would serve its purposes and love me. Every time I endure a loss it takes me a long time to even want to start to nourish my body again, it's like I feel like punishing it with bad food and no exercise for letting me down...again.
I've decided to start this blog for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I believe it will serve me in a cathartic sense, a place where I can freely express my thoughts as they arise. Secondly and less selfishly, I really hope anyone reading may identify with some, anything, that I share and feel less isolated in their own journey.
Emily
If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637
Emily Allen
Hi my name is Emily, I live in Tasmania. My partner and I are not going through the nicest journey, having now had 6 unexplained miscarriages in total. We've had every test done imaginable (which haven't given us any idea of what is going wrong) and are now looking to go down the pre-genetic screening route. I know we will get there soon, we have to, but the path to parenthood is definitely tougher than I ever imagined it would be
I hope that in sharing some of my thoughts and experiences I might help someone else feel less isolated.
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