Thirty-seven and a half years ago I miscarried at 16 weeks. I felt this baby growing and knew to be a person in its own right and had been looking forward to seeing its face: I never knew its gender but felt it would have been a boy - after all don't we mothers just know, and of course this was my plan!
People often look at me and I can feel their thoughts: “Why does she still grieve? It's been so long?” and in my mind I reply “So?” Grief is not an emotion that simply disappears with time but rather it is interwoven with life as we now know it, whatever that may be. For some it will be other children and for others it will to never know the joy of watching their baby grow.
What amazes me still (and I don't know why I am still surprised) but no-one ever mentions this lost baby, except on occasion - my youngest as her partner lost his son at a very young age. Maybe I have learnt to be cynical over the years because those of us who have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth (though I have never experienced this) that this is always with us; something often buried deep inside to get us through. I always say I have had four babies, not three and because I don't have the breathing fourth child does not mean it is forgotten even now when I am a proud grandma! This attitude of those who know this can still upset me at times. After all this time I suppose people forget but I do not!
Sometimes I sit alone on a bench seat outside, listening to the breeze and sounds trying to find peace in a world that forgets trauma and grief so easily because it is a way of life for so many, which is sad in itself. Losing a baby is something unique and miscarriage again is different from a stillbirth, as in my case I never even got to see my baby.
Sometimes I think those of us who have experienced the loss of a baby need to be teachers to others who don't understand. We need to let them know about how it is for us, because even though they may never experience what we have been through, they can learn just to listen or just to be there holding your hand.
Even now after all these years I contemplate what may have been and for those who have the support, please use it when you need to; there was no support many years ago. You are so lucky to have a wonderful group like SANDS to offer support and be at the other end of a phone when you experience the loss of your beloved baby. Please feel like you can use them, they understand as they have been through it too! Blessings to all Mums and Dads who grieve for their lost one.
Therese
If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637
About Therese
Therese has worked in the field of counselling and community development for over 20 years. She has worked predominantly in the health and welfare field. She has worked in the primary school sector counselling children through a range of loss and grief and traumatic experiences.
Therese has also delivered a number of conference papers on the theme of children’s loss and grief and articles on stress management too. She also worked as a Sessional teacher in the TAFE system and the Private Sector in the Community Services area, including Mental Health Welfare for over 20 years. She is also an experienced Supervisor.
Therese has as a small business conducting Reiki, Inner Child Therapy, Meditation and similar therapies. She is also works as a Group Facilitator and teaches stress management and relaxation techniques within the local community as well as running workshops in the areas of trauma and loss and grief and related areas.
Therese is a published poet and has three children and four delightful grandsons. She enjoys nothing more than a good cup of coffee and the occasional glass of wine or bubbly. She is passionate about climate change and the environment, wanting a clean world for her grandchildren to grow up in and one where any type of violence is not tolerated.
