Thursday, 26 April 2018

Pure Love For Our Pure Spirit by Kerry

Pure Love For Our Pure Spirit

We felt like someone was missing; our family was incomplete.
Girl or boy,
There was someone else to meet.

We felt you moving; your oldest brother couldn’t wait.
Bigger car, double pram.
Is there such a thing as fate?

We predicted a girl, we felt pretty sure.
Anticipation, excitement, joy.
Love for one more.

I had a baby shower, I organised your clothes.
Scans, CTGs, exams.
Our excitement only rose. 

Painful contractions 24/7, starting 9 days before you were due.
Phone calls, appointments, “early labour.”
“Call us” with anything new.

Contractions 3 minutes apart, for at least a minute long.
Three days before you were due,
Something had gone so tragically wrong.

Friday I’d felt you move, Saturday I wasn’t so sure.
Another phone call and a home Doppler.
Pain too much to ignore.

Finally a car trip to the hospital; we arrived just after midnight.
Doppler, scan, worried faces.
Darkness invaded our light.

“What is happening?!” “This is a nightmare!” Staring at each other.
My head fell into my hands.
What to tell your biggest brother?!

Personal goals and rationality aside, I thought cut me open while 
I’m asleep.
Our Ob. arrived along with rational thought.
My VBAC goal I’d keep.

We were told you’d probably be born, by the time 12 more hours 
had passed.
But darkness quite literally returned.
Aren’t nightmares usually fast?

Candles were lit below our window; it was Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Kept to myself in the car,
Not to jinx the, everything’s ok.

A new day was fast approaching, but the end was in sight.
A professional photographer would be there.
Empathy and kindness in the middle of the night!

When we finally held you, we couldn't look into your eyes. 
You were so pretty, so cute, so perfect.
Then began the sighs.

Your Dad opened the suit case to make a selection from your clothes.
A simple task made so difficult,
As pure devastation quickly rose.

We chose a dress with a purple tutu, white flying unicorns in the sky.
The only outfit you’d ever wear.
Why?! Just WHY?!

In the last 10 months we lost your Great-Nanna and your Opa.
Are you now with them?
Please tell me you didn’t go far.

A beautiful soul set free, did you have a greater purpose?
Did you choose us as parents?
Your life gives so much more than hurt us.

Your due date arrived, we’d been told we could go home.
I told you I loved you.
Waiting for the car, I felt alone.

Another trolley of suitcases arrived, with a mum and newborn too.
A moment I may never forget.
Why couldn’t that be me and you?!

Your Dad found me in the shop, where I’d made my escape.
Mums with babies and girly things,
Just too much to take.

Ready to go home, I was feeling pretty numb.
Our car had an empty capsule.
The past could never be undone.

Life seemed surreal; food no longer tasted the same.
We questioned, cried and worried,
Wondered where to place the blame.

It became startlingly obvious, we were forever changed.
Ripple, ripple, ripple.
Our whole future rearranged.

You imprinted on our hearts, imprinted on the world.
Through kindness, compassion and insight,
Your gift has unfurled.

Do our souls again evolve in the midst of a pain that may 
never leave?!
Did you suffer?! Feel pain?! And why?!
Will there be any reprieve?!

Love is eternal, our love for you remains.
Empty armed and broken hearted.
Our pain waxes and wanes.

Are you our angel in the sky? Was this the way it was meant to be?!
39 weeks, together as one.
Your whole life within me.

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