Thursday, 18 January 2018

Single Bereaved Mother's and their Ex partners by Emma

As soon as I found out I had lost Lynette, I contacted my ex. 

As soon as I found out I had lost Lynette, I contacted my ex. 
I was in the waiting room at radiology at the hospital waiting to be taken back to the maternity ward to prepare for what was next. I needed him to know. My friend at the time started telling me that this was inappropriate that it could wait. In my head, it couldn’t wait. I needed to tell him. I needed him to know.

I think quite often it’s easy for bystanders to have a say in what we should or shouldn’t do. But its extremely hard when you lose a baby as a single mother. Its just you. On your own. Your world has fallen apart right in front of you and there’s not single thing you can do to fix it. 

Although I felt that my ex didn’t do right by me, I felt the need to do everything possible to ensure that I did the right thing by him for Lynette. I owed it to her to do the right thing by him regardless of whether he appreciated it or not.
My advice for other single mothers who have just lost their baby is to put aside any issues that you may have with the father for one brief moment and put your child first. 

Talk with the hospital and come up with a plan of how you are going to facilitate having them meet their child. I did not want him at Lynette's birth. But I was insistent on him meeting her. The hospital helped me facilitate having him there. I was able to enjoy Mothers Day with her and he came in to meet her on the Monday the day after. I was so protective of her, I didn’t leave her side. 

Don’t expect anything from the father. Men handle grief differently but also acknowledge that its unlikely you will get thanked for including him.

I spoke with the funeral director about different options. I decided on having Lynette buried. I arranged all the plans, invited who I wanted there. I included his family but kept it small. I even hosted a wake at my house afterwards. I did all of this on my own. This was the last time I saw any of them. 

I feel at peace knowing that I did the right thing. 

Weeks went on and a mutual friend informed me that he had posted a photo of myself and him lowering Lynette into her grave onto Facebook. I felt sick. Disgusted. These photos were of a private moment. No place for the internet. 
Grief highlights peoples true colours. It was at this point that I made the decision that I still needed to protect her. 

I arranged the plaque shortly after this. I kept the writing neutral. At the end of the day, he is still her father. He still loved her. I think we need to put aside grievances when we lose someone and focus on what really matters. We had a beautiful daughter Lynette Mary Rose. 

If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637

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