Thursday, 26 April 2018

Pure Love For Our Pure Spirit by Kerry

Pure Love For Our Pure Spirit

We felt like someone was missing; our family was incomplete.
Girl or boy,
There was someone else to meet.

We felt you moving; your oldest brother couldn’t wait.
Bigger car, double pram.
Is there such a thing as fate?

We predicted a girl, we felt pretty sure.
Anticipation, excitement, joy.
Love for one more.

I had a baby shower, I organised your clothes.
Scans, CTGs, exams.
Our excitement only rose. 

Painful contractions 24/7, starting 9 days before you were due.
Phone calls, appointments, “early labour.”
“Call us” with anything new.

Contractions 3 minutes apart, for at least a minute long.
Three days before you were due,
Something had gone so tragically wrong.

Friday I’d felt you move, Saturday I wasn’t so sure.
Another phone call and a home Doppler.
Pain too much to ignore.

Finally a car trip to the hospital; we arrived just after midnight.
Doppler, scan, worried faces.
Darkness invaded our light.

“What is happening?!” “This is a nightmare!” Staring at each other.
My head fell into my hands.
What to tell your biggest brother?!

Personal goals and rationality aside, I thought cut me open while 
I’m asleep.
Our Ob. arrived along with rational thought.
My VBAC goal I’d keep.

We were told you’d probably be born, by the time 12 more hours 
had passed.
But darkness quite literally returned.
Aren’t nightmares usually fast?

Candles were lit below our window; it was Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Kept to myself in the car,
Not to jinx the, everything’s ok.

A new day was fast approaching, but the end was in sight.
A professional photographer would be there.
Empathy and kindness in the middle of the night!

When we finally held you, we couldn't look into your eyes. 
You were so pretty, so cute, so perfect.
Then began the sighs.

Your Dad opened the suit case to make a selection from your clothes.
A simple task made so difficult,
As pure devastation quickly rose.

We chose a dress with a purple tutu, white flying unicorns in the sky.
The only outfit you’d ever wear.
Why?! Just WHY?!

In the last 10 months we lost your Great-Nanna and your Opa.
Are you now with them?
Please tell me you didn’t go far.

A beautiful soul set free, did you have a greater purpose?
Did you choose us as parents?
Your life gives so much more than hurt us.

Your due date arrived, we’d been told we could go home.
I told you I loved you.
Waiting for the car, I felt alone.

Another trolley of suitcases arrived, with a mum and newborn too.
A moment I may never forget.
Why couldn’t that be me and you?!

Your Dad found me in the shop, where I’d made my escape.
Mums with babies and girly things,
Just too much to take.

Ready to go home, I was feeling pretty numb.
Our car had an empty capsule.
The past could never be undone.

Life seemed surreal; food no longer tasted the same.
We questioned, cried and worried,
Wondered where to place the blame.

It became startlingly obvious, we were forever changed.
Ripple, ripple, ripple.
Our whole future rearranged.

You imprinted on our hearts, imprinted on the world.
Through kindness, compassion and insight,
Your gift has unfurled.

Do our souls again evolve in the midst of a pain that may 
never leave?!
Did you suffer?! Feel pain?! And why?!
Will there be any reprieve?!

Love is eternal, our love for you remains.
Empty armed and broken hearted.
Our pain waxes and wanes.

Are you our angel in the sky? Was this the way it was meant to be?!
39 weeks, together as one.
Your whole life within me.

Thursday, 12 April 2018

'Ask Me Again' by Samantha

This poem was written by myself and aims to provide some insight around the emotional fragility of grieving and bereaved parents which often results in them feeling socially isolated. 

The poem was written in mid 2015 following the stillbirth of our second son Hudson James Rowe.

“Ask me again”

Did I miss our lunch date today? Please ask me again,
Did I forget to call you back today? Please call me again,
Did I decline your invitation today? Please ask me again,

It's not because I don't care,

Or because I don't want to be there,

Amidst my world that is now awash with such sadness & grief, 

I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I'm confused beyond belief,

So I need to take some time out for my heart and soul to heal, 

And to do this sometimes my life is completely reliant on emotions and how I feel,

My dear friend what this means that I'm asking of you today, 

Is to remember that I'm currently heartbroken and feeling pain that won't go away,

So if I happen to decline your invitation, 

Please promise me that you will ask me again.

         © Samantha     

If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637

Samantha Rowe

My name is Samantha. I am a Bereaved Mother located in Melbourne.

My partner and I have had an incredibly tough baby journey to date. We have lost 8 consecutive pregnancies/babies and are yet to have a living child.

Cooper was stillborn on 14.02.14

Hudson was stillborn on 23.01.15

Emma & Zoe (identical momo twins) tangled their cords and passed away on 30.08.15

I’ve also had subsequent miscarriages on 16.09.16, 31.12.16, 13.10.17 & 16.11.17.

We are commencing ivf shortly to see if that can help us achieve our dreams of becoming parents to a living child.

I run a social enterprise called Memories of an Angel which raises awareness for Pregnancy & Infant Loss. We sell Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness ribbons, pins and a collection of other Pink & Blue items. I am extremely passionate about raising awareness for Pregnancy & Infant Loss and very proud to be pioneering the cause and bringing these special keepsakes to bereaved individuals and families across Australia.

Memories of an Angel also coordinates a variety of events for special days such as International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, International Bereaved Mother’s Day, International Bereaved Father’s Day etc.