Our Journey Through Miscarriage by Kendall

I would like to start this story by sharing that we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter Aileana; my pregnancy with her was unremarkable and to be honest I experienced very few uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms. Labour on the other hand was another matter (18+ hours of labour & then a C-section), but thankfully we came through and now have a healthy, happy & vibrant toddler.

When Aileana turned 2 we felt we were ready to try for another baby. Just like with Aileana I was fortunate enough to fall pregnant almost right away and we were thrilled, so thrilled in fact we shared our news with Aileana who, whilst not understanding completely, appeared to be excited too. When I was 10 weeks, I started to experience bleeding. As this never occurred with Aileana I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. Whilst waiting in the emergency department another woman came in who was obviously pregnant, unlike me (as I wasn't showing yet) and I overheard that she was experiencing bleeding too. Whilst waiting I was provided with a handout about bleeding in pregnancy and sometime later I met with a doctor.  The doctor was amazing and explained and reinforced what I had read in the handout that bleeding in pregnancy can occur  and that you can lose (according to his analogy) blood from 3 of the 4 walls of the room that we were in and the computer (symbol for our baby) could still be ok. The focus of this consultation was to reassure me that there was still hope and I was referred for a scan the very next day;  and as instructed I booked an appointment afterwards with a GP.

The next day with my husband and daughter I presented to the local radiology clinic where my worst fears were to be realised. I had a young male radiographer whom I would say had very little experience with breaking devastating news to people, but I know he did his best. I really felt for him, it would be the toughest part of their job. I will never forget the words "I am sorry I don't know how to tell you this, but you have a sac but no baby". Of course I broke down crying and then my daughter started touching my belly and saying "baby" and by this point I was inconsolable. Devastated and numb we left the clinic and headed to the doctors. Unfortunately I was unable to get an appointment with my regular GP and I was meeting with a young doctor in training, not the best situation for him or me.  Whilst in with the doctor in training my GP did come in and discussed the scan findings with me. I was told to go home and basically wait to miscarry.

It wasn't until a couple of days later on the day before my birthday I started to bleed heavily. By now I was starting to think more about things and realised I knew very little of what to expect and what I might experience. My bleeding would be in fits and starts for over the next 2 weeks. Some days it would be really heavy and other days I would have very little. One dreadful day whilst I was toilet training our toddler (we had just started before I knew I would miscarry) and she had an accident I had a massive bleed. I called my husband at work crying because I was in one bathroom unable to move whilst our daughter was in the other wet and crying! To make matters more challenging we are a defence family and we have no family members nearby to assist in such difficult times. My husband came home and we went back to the hospital.  The doctor this time wasn't as helpful or understanding but did request a further scan to see if I had completely miscarried - more about this later. During this 2 week period I began to ask myself questions about miscarriage and all the questions I never thought to ask the GP at the time (obviously due to shock) started cropping up. Thankfully I came across your organisation and found an information sheet about miscarriage (I had not been given any such information). This was the first time that I learned that there are actually many different types of miscarriage that couples can experience.

Throughout this devastating period I was fortunate enough to have great emotional support from family. Our family hadn't yet been told we were expecting but they were told when I was miscarrying and they were wonderful listening to me talk and often just cry. Furthermore my mother-in-law is an ex-midwife and was able to answer a lot of my questions and my own mother has also suffered a miscarriage and a stillborn birth. I had a brother Damian that neither I nor my parents ever met. I also had wonderful friends who made meals for us and cared for Aileana when we were at the hospital, doctors or having a scan. So whilst we were going through something so devastating we felt supported, cared for and loved.

After more than 2 weeks of bleeding on and off I had the second scan to see if I had completely miscarried. I thought I had as I thought I had lost the sac. I was wrong, I still had the sac. I remember asking the well experienced female radiographer "if I still have the sac what came out of me", her response was "most likely a blood clot". This was a rather scary moment and I wished I had been more informed about what to expect. After this scan I called both the GP and my obstetrician (whom I had yet to see for this pregnancy but I had seen the midwife who works with her just before I hit 8 weeks). The midwife did check base with me after I was first told I would miscarry. I called both GP and OB as I now knew I wasn't miscarrying naturally and would need a procedure to complete the process. I was informed on both accounts that I still was unable to get an appointment for another week. By this point I was beside myself and broke down with the receptionist at my specialist’s office, she was kind enough to open an early morning appointment for me the very next day with my obstetrician.

Upon seeing my obstetrician she was concerned that I had been let go so long and very apologetic that I had such a prolonged experience. I appreciated her words and knew there was little she could do as she had been on leave for the past 2 weeks. Her personable approach and coming and sitting next to me rather than across the desk whilst we talked did not go unnoticed. I was booked in for a D&C the very next day. I have to thank the nurse at the hospital as when I arrived she informed me that a baby was to be delivered by c-section that day and she knew it would be difficult for me given my circumstances. I appreciated the effort and care she took to do this. The most difficult thing though was when I learned that the mother who was about to have her baby delivered was still smoking, (she was in the bed next to me and I could hear the discussion she had with the nurse) this made me go through those thoughts about how "unfair life could be" and "why me".

Nearly 3 weeks after I knew I would miscarry it was finally complete (the physical part of miscarrying that is). Occasionally I would think about the woman I saw in the emergency department that first time and I would wonder what happened for her, I hoped with all my heart for a much better outcome than what I had. Moving forward from our miscarriage was really hard for both my husband and I, I was mindful to think of how he felt and how our miscarriage affected him as I think often the males are forgotten in this process as it is us women who physically go through it. With the love, support and understand of my husband, family and friends slowly we started to heal. The toughest times where when these wounds were re-opened inadvertently by my daughter who would often pat my belly and say baby -  we tried to explain to a 2 year old that there was no baby now but maybe there would be again one day in the future.

Almost 6 months after this first miscarriage I suffered a second at just over 9 weeks. This time I experienced a chemical pregnancy and miscarried naturally. Whilst this miscarriage was again devastating I felt more prepared from my earlier experience and felt I had developed better skills to deal this time around. In addition I had supported a close friend who also suffered her first miscarriage after my first one; I found this to help me as well.

Now almost a year to the date I started experiencing my 1st miscarriage and on this day (3rd September) my birthday & father’s day we have been able to share the exciting news with our family that we are 16 weeks pregnant and due with our second child in February 2018. I find I worry more now since I have had 2 miscarriages but it has been helpful to talk with my husband, family, doctor and others who have gone through similar experiences. Whilst I have not accessed Sands counselling services myself, the handout I accessed from your website was very helpful. The work that you do is amazing and I cannot thank you enough for getting the taboo subject of miscarriage and infant loss out in the public eye. I have made it my mission to also assist in raising awareness and starting conversation about miscarriage. I made my miscarriages public by posting about them on Facebook and I also hosted a Sands morning tea to raise funds for your organisation. Please keep up the great week it is sorely needed sadly by too many people.

Kendall
Wife
Mother
Multiple Miscarriage sufferer
Birthday Girl (3/09/17)
Pregnant again

If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637

Kendall 

My name is Kendall - I am a married mother of Aileana, my 3 year old daughter. I am a registered psychologist and I have worked in a variety of different fields including; sport & performance enhancement, assessment & counselling and education & deafness. I am currently a full-time mum but I hope to return to performance psychology work in the field of aviation once we have had baby number 2 and adjusted to life as a family of 4. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past year and I am now 16 weeks pregnant due in February 2018. I am also the youngest of 5 children, with my eldest brother Damian being stillborn 45 years ago. It wasn't until having my own experience with miscarriage that I learned how many friends and people I know have had similar experiences. I have a mission to assist in anyway I can to create awareness and discussion about miscarriage as it still currently seems to be a taboo subject. Mental Health awareness is vastly improving and I would like to be apart of the movement in conjunction with Sands and fellow bloggers to help do the same for miscarriage and infant loss.

Reflections of a father

The older I get the more I wonder if I will ever have kids of my own.  I wrote a poem a couple of years ago called “To the son I never knew”.  I never wrote it to share; I wrote it for my own mental health.  Since sharing it I've had those who were able to read it thanking me for writing it, and those who were honest enough to admit they couldn't read past the title saying though they could appreciate the courage  it must have taken me to write it, they couldn't read it, and I tell them it's OK.  Everyone journeys life at a different pace.  It took me 12 years to write that piece.  

Having travelled extensively for work and even getting married years later and gaining an instant family in that time I didn't really think about it much until I moved back to where it all began.  The familiar faces seeing those I saw growing up now with families of their own.  It felt somewhat surreal being in such familiar surroundings after so long seeing how everyone’s lives had developed in that time and wondering where mine was headed.  I was at home one day when it struck me, that I was living just down the road from the cemetery.  I didn't go there right away but when I did it was a week before his birthday. I hadn't even remembered how close to Christmas that fateful day was, he wasn't due until well into the New Year.  It's amazing how much and how well we can block things out from our memories to keep going.  I really hadn't had any contact with his mum since then, it was a really messy situation, and thankfully she has since married and has healthy kids.  I wasn't prepared to marry her despite her father’s insistence but I have no doubt in my mind we would have at some point, but to me her being pregnant wasn't enough reason to tie the knot.  Regardless of our relationship status though I would have raised that kid as my own.  I didn't just lose him though, I lost her too, and I think that was the hardest part.  In fact we all nearly lost her, thankfully though she found her way through.  

So after multiple major life changes in a short space of time I found myself reflecting on the last 12 years of my life and how different it would have been if he'd grown up calling me dad.  I've got nieces and nephews, a god daughter and sponsor kids but none of them require a daily commitment.  Though I feel so privileged being able to have the input I'm allowed into their lives.  

I've since written a second piece called “to my unborn son” inspired the song “Always Here For You” by KJ52.  I'm young enough to still have my own offspring though I also don't feel the need to.  I'm happy being able to assist in ways that I might not otherwise be able to if I had kids of my own.  Yet the thought still remains, if he'd made it ….. “so many memories that were only ever dreams.  So many dreams that never got to be memories”.

Neville Hiatt

To view Neville's website click here

'to my unborn son'

right now you are cells multiplying and dividing at a rapid rate

please know it doesn't matter if you are 18 before your first date

before you are born I want you to know

there's a good chance you will really love the snow

if you are anything like me you will feel more, than those around you

so be very careful with those that surround you

but most of all know that you are your own self

your not mine, or your mothers, you are your own self

you will make mistakes and that's okay

though the choices you make live with you till your dying day

you will grow up in a world different to what it is today

but with each day you breathe life, don't waste your time away

you will know heartache and pain, yet you will also taste triumph and gain

when you fall in love you will know the truth in these words

when you see her for the first time you will know

it doesn't matter what your grades are

some of the richest men alive today dropped out of school

yet in all things do your best and follow your heart, it's your strongest tool

when it rains be thankful for the nourishment of the earth

and when it's sunny a tan is not cool, look up your great grandfather he was a young fool

you will have more opportunities than ever before

but never lose connection with those closest to you

I've said it already but I will say it again

you will know sorrow and pain, but these are but the moderator to happiness and joy

everyone leaves this life at some point, so every chance you get explore the joint

but most of all your name is not your identity

it is simply a word to identify you but you will be known by how you choose to live this life.

Copyright 2013 Neville Hiatt

'to the son I never knew'

How do you mourn a son you never knew

how do you count the candles you never blew

how do you know you love a white Christmas when you've never seen the snow

so many memories that were only ever dreams

so many thoughts that will never be shared

I sit surrounded by all these flowers

and say your name aloud but it falls on deaf ears

I never got to hold your hand, or create artworks with you in the sand

I never got to teach you how to kick the ball, or watch you get up after your first fall

I sit in this field of flowers and trace your name etched into the rock 

and wonder how different my life would have been

would I have lived with your mum, would I have been a great dad

so many questions that will never be answered

you'd be 12 today, yet here you lay

12 years I could have spent calming your fears

12 years I've spent drying my tears

so many memories that were only ever dreams

so many dreams that never got to be memories

love dad.

Copyright Neville Hiatt 2013

If you require support after reading this blog please contact Sands on 13 000 72637

Neville Hiatt

Neville Hiatt is a storyteller, a country boy at heart he grew up knowing what the word community meant. His radio career was cut short when he was medically retired before his 30th birthday due to someone not doing an adequate head check.  In the last few years he has developed his love of photography, and poetry and has just released his first collection of short stories.  Left battling depression, anxiety and chronic nerve pain as a result of the accident he has become even more passionate about sharing his life experiences in the hope of aiding others in their journey.  “It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve done, or what’s been done to you. It only matters what you do with your rainbow today.”