A Dad's Thoughts on Father's Day

As we approach Father’s Day, Sands Volunteer Parent Supporter, Chris Tsockallos reflects on what Father’s Day is like for him.

Eleven years ago, my wife delivered twins at 19 weeks gestation and our lives were completely shattered. After many years of fertility treatment to achieve this pregnancy, we didn’t even know if we could get pregnant again. We didn’t know if we would ever be parents to a living child. Our feelings of grief and loss were so overwhelming in those first few weeks and months, we needed to take time to physically and emotionally deal with what we were going through.

We first heard about Sands through the hospital. We attended a number of support meetings and I spoke to bereaved fathers at the meetings who were very supportive. I got to hear about their journeys through this difficult time.

Sometimes men may find it harder to open up as they feel they may need to be strong through this difficult period. In a lot of cases the father may be the financial provider and he may need to return to work.

Significant days like anniversaries, holidays, and Father’s Day can bring up very mixed emotions. For bereaved fathers, Father’s Day is a challenging day which may bring up feelings of great emotional sadness.

Each father deals with their loss in different ways. I like to spend part of my day on my own with my thoughts of my children who are not here with me on the day. Each Father’s Day we visit our twins at the cemetery. Although I think about our twins every day, on Father’s Day I like to be as close as I can with them and to reflect on my love for them and the place they hold in my heart. To me this is a time when I feel the closest to them.

Father’s Day is a day of emotional contrast for me. I get to celebrate the day with my ten year old daughter while at the same time reflect on my children who are not with me.

Some fathers may like to keep busy and active through physical recreation or surround themselves with family. Each dad has their own way of dealing with Father’s Day.

The one thing I have learned through grieving for our twins is not to be afraid to let your emotions out. If you need to cry or feel sad do it. Also don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to your partner. Let her know how you are feeling. If you have a family member or friend who will listen, talk to them about how you are feeling.  Please also remember that Sands has a dedicated Men’s Support Line where you can speak to other bereaved Dads who have a level of empathy that others males may not have. Talking to someone who has gone through a similar experience can be of huge help.

It is also important to communicate with your partner and be there for each other.

Every day I think about our twins. I wonder what they would have been like. I feel sad that they are not here with us. However they are always in my heart. While I am saddened by our loss, at the same time I feel thankful for our daughter who has brought so much joy into our lives.

Chris Tsockallos

If you require support after reading this blog please contact 

Sands on 1300 072 637

Eleven years ago, my wife delivered twins at 19 weeks gestation and our lives were completely shattered. After many years of fertility treatment to achieve this pregnancy, we didn’t even know if we could get pregnant again. We didn’t know if we would ever be parents to a living child. Our feelings of grief and loss were so overwhelming in those first few weeks and months, we needed to take time to physically and emotionally deal with what we were going through.

Sands were extremely supportive to my wife and myself after the loss of our twins. We attended a number of support meetings and I spoke to bereaved dads at the meetings who were very helpful. I got to hear about their journey through this difficult time. Speaking to them was invaluable.

Now it is time for me to give back to Sands. As a Sands Volunteer Parent Supporter I think I can help other dads through such a difficult time.

You can read more about Chris here.

Why I'm A Parent Supporter with Sands by Peter

I’ve never been a big talker. More often than not, I’ve not had the need to open up and spill the beans. I’ve got a pretty solid family network, and a great bunch of amazing friends.

After our baby died, I still wasn’t a big talker. I still haven’t really needed to open up and tell all and sundry about our loss. My family are still great and my friends are still awesome.

It took me many months, maybe even a year to kind of process what had happened. From that initial shock, to going into survival mode and trying to work and keep up the general challenge of living, it took me some time to acknowledge and start to understand that my boy had died. I knew it in my head, but the rest of me didn’t want to think about it.

My wife went to a few Sands meetings here in Brisbane, and I angrily went along to one. It wasn’t that I didn’t think or feel I needed support, it’s just I didn’t know how it would benefit me.

Similarly, my wife went to two ‘Walks to Remember’, and again, anxiously, I went to the third one with her.

What I found when I went to the Sands support meeting, and the Walk to Remember (I went to a few) is that I felt comforted. Comforted, that I wasn’t the only one who had this ‘silent pain’. To have a wound, with no visible scar. I was taken that these people spoke the same language as me. Mums, and dads. Aunties. Uncles. Grandparents. Siblings. This language was spoken with words, with actions, with a comforting hug that simply said ‘I understand’ and with silent speech where I understood every word.

I’m a parent supporter with Sands, because after ten years, I still value so much that there was a group that spoke the same language as my wife and I. That there is a group of ordinary, everyday people, brought together by tragedy, held together by kindness and supported with respect, listening and understanding.

I’m a parent supporter with Sands, because sadly, I know there will be more, many more families that will experience the tragic loss of miscarriage or infant death. I want them to know that their feelings of loss are real, their tears are validated and their words and silence, will be listened to.

I’m a parent supporter with Sands, because I know there are a stack of dads out there who have gone through a pregnancy with their partner, who have lost their baby, and who sometimes feel that they have lost themselves, and their partner too. I’m a parent supporter with Sands because I’ve walked that walk, of trying to balance the everyday, themselves, their partners, their family and the gaping hole in their life. I’m a parent supporter, because I know sometimes dads just need to shoot the breeze, ask a couple of questions and bounce ideas off each other. I’m a parent supporter, because dads need to know their experience, thoughts and feelings are real, they are important, and they have a very important story to tell, too.

I’m a parent supporter with Sands, because I know with time, support, lots of ups and lots of downs, you heal.

I know that the acute pain of loss does not last forever. I know that there’s light at the end of this very deep, very dark tunnel. I know that those who have gone through this have a new normal. A new normal where a pregnancy announcement of a friend brings up intense feelings. A new normal where the sound of a babies cry can feel like a punch to the throat. I also know that, with time, support and understanding that pain does fade. The wounds do heal. Those intense feelings fade, resurface, fade, recede and sometimes just bubble up a little.

I’m not a parent supporter because there’s anything glamorous or exciting about listening to a grieving parent talk about miscarriage or infant death. I’m a parent supporter, because I truly know that understanding, kindness, support and listening can be a key in pulling together, when everything has been torn apart. I’m a parent supporter, because I truly valued knowing there were others out there that spoke the same language as me, and they listened as I spoke it to them.

I’m a parent supporter, because I want families who have experienced miscarriage or infant death to know that they are not alone, that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.  
Peter

I work 9 - 5 in the city. In my spare time I do a stack of freelance writing, try to spend as much time with my family and enjoy spending time in the garden. I have been a Parent Supporter with Sands since August 2015. Dad to Daniel, my first born who passed away, and Zoe (7) and Eli (5).

 

Click here to see Peter talk to Emma Alberici and Paul Kennedy about Sands and the Men's Helpline on ABC Breakfast TV.

If you require support after reading this blog please contact

Sands on 13 000 72637