Single Bereaved Mother's and their Ex partners by Emma

As soon as I found out I had lost Lynette, I contacted my ex. 

As soon as I found out I had lost Lynette, I contacted my ex. 
I was in the waiting room at radiology at the hospital waiting to be taken back to the maternity ward to prepare for what was next. I needed him to know. My friend at the time started telling me that this was inappropriate that it could wait. In my head, it couldn’t wait. I needed to tell him. I needed him to know.

I think quite often it’s easy for bystanders to have a say in what we should or shouldn’t do. But its extremely hard when you lose a baby as a single mother. Its just you. On your own. Your world has fallen apart right in front of you and there’s not single thing you can do to fix it. 

Although I felt that my ex didn’t do right by me, I felt the need to do everything possible to ensure that I did the right thing by him for Lynette. I owed it to her to do the right thing by him regardless of whether he appreciated it or not.
My advice for other single mothers who have just lost their baby is to put aside any issues that you may have with the father for one brief moment and put your child first. 

Talk with the hospital and come up with a plan of how you are going to facilitate having them meet their child. I did not want him at Lynette's birth. But I was insistent on him meeting her. The hospital helped me facilitate having him there. I was able to enjoy Mothers Day with her and he came in to meet her on the Monday the day after. I was so protective of her, I didn’t leave her side. 

Don’t expect anything from the father. Men handle grief differently but also acknowledge that its unlikely you will get thanked for including him.

I spoke with the funeral director about different options. I decided on having Lynette buried. I arranged all the plans, invited who I wanted there. I included his family but kept it small. I even hosted a wake at my house afterwards. I did all of this on my own. This was the last time I saw any of them. 

I feel at peace knowing that I did the right thing. 

Weeks went on and a mutual friend informed me that he had posted a photo of myself and him lowering Lynette into her grave onto Facebook. I felt sick. Disgusted. These photos were of a private moment. No place for the internet. 
Grief highlights peoples true colours. It was at this point that I made the decision that I still needed to protect her. 

I arranged the plaque shortly after this. I kept the writing neutral. At the end of the day, he is still her father. He still loved her. I think we need to put aside grievances when we lose someone and focus on what really matters. We had a beautiful daughter Lynette Mary Rose. 

Emma

If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637

Helpful tips for other single bereaved mothers by Emma

I wish someone had pulled me aside and told me to do what I need to do. Grieve in whatever way I need to. 

Regardless of what anyone tells you, this is your journey. 

Do what you need to do. Grieve in your own way, don’t ever let anyone judge you or tell you how to grieve. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to get over “it”. Because “it” has a name! In my case, Lynette Mary Rose.

Unfortunately there is no map of the correct way to grieve. My motto now is as long as it’s not hurting myself or others then go for it. Do what you need to do. The world will adjust.

Early on, I was so concerned with whether or not I was “doing it” right. I sought advice from those around me. I was on my own and I didn’t know what to do. Lynette’s father and I had split during the pregnancy.  When Lynette died, I had no one. I felt alone and isolated. My family were great. But I felt that they struggled in supporting me early on because they didn’t know how to help me. They just wanted to take away the pain. 

The hospital gave me a Sands brochure. I saw that there was a 24/7 number to call. But for weeks, I didn’t call. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I just wanted Lynette back. 

After Lynette’s funeral, I felt comfort in visiting her at the cemetery each day. The baby section is beautiful. The gardens are amazing. I felt the need to be with her and that was the only place that I felt close to her. Friends and family didn’t quite understand my need to go there so often. I got criticized and judged for going by close friends, to the point where on one of my bad days, I didn’t go. I was at home, a complete mess crying because I was scared of what people thought of me if I went to visit Lynette. But yet that urge to be close to her didn’t go away.

Those same friends were not with me when I needed them. Those same friends were only there at the beginning. They weren’t there checking up on me months after I lost Lynette. It was at that point, I decided to do what I needed to do for me. Not for anyone else but for me. It’s so easy for others on the outside who haven’t experienced losing a child to judge or comment. Believe me losing your child is COMPLETELY different to any other grief you will experience in your life. 

I have lost friends, I accept that and I am ok with that. Initially I was hurt and upset but I soon realised that the people that were coming into my life after I lost Lynette were far more important to hold onto and cherish than the ambivalent people in my life. Find people who are prepared to listen, care for you and support you. The ones that don’t care if you have told them the same story 1000 times. The ones that will see through your mask that you put on for the world. The ones who are there for you no matter what.

And most importantly, remember you are not alone! Sands is an amazing organisation who has provided me support when I really needed it. It wasn’t until I was about 9 weeks into my journey that I reached out and connected with Sands. I wish I did it earlier!

My story isn’t over. I have good days, bad days and really bad days. I still visit Lynette frequently, not very day but when I need to. The pain is still there. I don’t think it will ever go away. You just learn how to adjust to a new normal. I still have so much to learn but I know I am going to be ok because I have an army of women who have gone before me who are going ok and there’s some just starting their journey that need support. We are in this together. 

Emma

If you require support after reading this blog, please contact Sands on 13000 72637

Emma Pritchard

My name is Emma. I live and work in regional Victoria as an Administrative Officer. I am a single bereaved Mother to Lynette Mary Rose. My daughter was stillborn on the 13th of May 2017.  I was 36 weeks pregnant and had gone in for a routine check up when I found out that I had lost Lynette. I think it is so important the work that Sands does and I wanted to share my story in the hope that it would help someone else on their journey. Most importantly help other women know that they are not alone.