I am 28 weeks pregnant. I have two beautiful boys, aged 4 and 2, but this is my fourth pregnancy.
I lost my second child, my beautiful daughter Sophia, at 32 weeks.
The loss, a gaping hole that I will have in my heart forever. The tears are still behind my eyes and quick to the forefront with thoughts of her.
But…. there is so much gratitude.
Sophia changed me.
I let her death mean something.
Forced me to look at life differently and allow me to break out of the box I had made for myself.
I lost a child.
I’ve thought many a time, “Why did this happen to me?”
But I didn’t let it close me.
Instead I feel open. I feel free.
Free to be myself. Free to move where life takes me. Free to grieve, free to be happy.
The love and support I gained from my family and friends at the time of her death showed me that I was worthy.
Showed me that I was enough.
Showed me that I had everything I could ever want.
But how, after losing a child, do you move forward and start the life of another?
How do you carry it through nine scary months where you know, from hard-cold experience, that you could lose it at any moment?
After Sophia’s death the only thing I wanted was to be pregnant again, to reclaim the future that I had been imagining.
Not one, not one and a half, but two happy, healthy children.
There was a desperation in me. There were a lot of doors slammed at “that time of the month” but then four months later my little Leo was conceived.
I was terrified but I had looked inside myself and found peace…and in that peace I believe came something beautiful.
When I started taking in the present moment, concentrating on each day and not just the future, I was blessed.
Blessed with Leo and blessed with a new attitude.
I felt strong and I felt brave.
Here I was, taking on the very thing that almost destroyed me.
Chancing, once again, that deep grief.
I felt like a warrior.
A warrior with a great team behind me. My amazing husband who was gritting his teeth and turning his knuckles white alongside mine. My family who were just a hug and shoulder to cry on away. My friends, whose love and laughter, kept me in the moment. An obstetrician who was happy to induce me the moment the baby was cooked so that psychologically I was being looked after.
I knew now what was important.
For I had missed many moments with Sophia. I was in such a hurry for her to be born and for me to start living the future that I didn’t notice when her movements slowed.
I didn’t even notice when they stopped altogether.
But with Leo, hand on my belly, I felt every kick and delighted in every squirm.
He was born happy and healthy and my world bloomed with love again.
Now, with this fourth pregnancy, another little boy will come into the world. My knuckles are still white but concentrating one moment at a time, one day at a time has given me an existence I never knew I could have.
One where I can be happy today.
Not in a couple of months when he’s born, not when he is 20 and I know I have brought him up safe and sound….but now.
Now is where the joy lives.
Nicola is a qualified social scientist, intent on studying the human race and finding out the truth about life. Her gift is passing on the information and helping others become the best versions of themselves. Her degree in creative writing makes her writing, your reading pleasure. Her passion for health ensures that you have up to date information on the latest and greatest ways to nourish you. She is a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter a Sister, A Friend and a beautiful human being intent on being the best person she can be. A green -juice drinking, yoga positioning, meditation junkie who loves her life with a fierce passion.
Nicola’s first book, How To Become One Healthy Mama is available from here. You can also read her posts on motherhood over at her blog The Yogic Housewife