More Sweet than Bitter

Larissa shares again her feelings as she approaches her third Mother's Day without her precious Ariella.

"I know not everyone will feel the sweetness on Mother’s Day and I know it will still be partially bitter for me as I long for Ariella in my arms."

This year will be my third Mother’s Day and it’s the first one I haven’t dreaded. In 2013, Mother’s Day was just three short months after my daughter’s stillbirth and the grief and devastation I felt was raw. It was so raw that I decided I couldn’t face Mother’s Day in any form whatsoever and instead of celebrating, my husband and I spent the weekend away together. The day itself turned out easier than I thought, but the lead up to it was very, very bitter. I didn't feel like I could celebrate without my daughter (nor did I want to do so).

Last year, it was different. My son was born safely four months before Mother’s Day and having him around certainly made the lead up easier. In 2013 I was scared that no one would acknowledge I was a mother because my daughter wasn't with me but I knew no one could deny my motherhood in 2014, considering I had a child in my arms. But the day itself still felt bittersweet. My son’s safe arrival didn’t lessen the pain of Ariella’s death and I still felt the bitterness of her absence on the day. But being able to hold one of my children added a little sweetness to the day.

Recently, as I thought about this coming Mother’s Day, I realised something that I didn't think was possible. This year, it’s more sweet than bitter! I know the day will be hard and I’ll almost certainly shed a tear when we visit Ariella’s grave, but the rawness of the pain is largely gone. It’s not that I won’t miss her (I will) nor is it that I don’t wish she was here (I do), but the sweetness of my memories with her are starting to take over the bitterness of her death. I feel like this year it is easier for me to see my motherhood defined by all of my children, instead of fearing that others will forget my firstborn, the one who made me a mother.

I know not everyone will feel the sweetness on Mother’s Day and I know it will still be partially bitter for me as I long for Ariella in my arms. But I do hope that all of us mothers will somehow find peace this year on what is usually a difficult day.

Larissa

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Larissa Genat

Larissa is a wife to Marcus and a mother to two beautiful children – Ariella Jade in Heaven and Levi William in her arms. She loves spaghetti bolognaise and the smell of rain, but neither of them could make her smile when, after a textbook pregnancy, Ariella unexpectedly died at 39 weeks gestation. No reason was ever found for her death. Soon after Ariella’s death Larissa began writing. 

You can find Larissa's posts at:

Deeper Still (www.loveisdeeperstill.blogspot.com)  and on Still Standing Magazine (http://stillstandingmag.com/author/larissa).