A year ago today (10/1/16) we lost our 4th child Jax, who was our second baby boy that we had lost in less than a year. I woke up this morning not even thinking of the date, although deep down I knew what it was because I’ve spent the whole week thinking I was going to die. But of course, me being as stubborn as I am, I decided to pretend it wasn’t happening until I woke to one Facebook notification from my beautiful sister Dani. Then the reminders hit. Today I’ve felt annoyed and cranky and fidgety and all because of what happened a year ago. I’ve been extremely scared going to the ladies room a bit more often than normal to ensure I was going to make it to put my girls to bed.
Anyway, a little while later I had another beautiful post from a lovely lady Lana. Again I began to get frustrated, not wanting it to actually be real - I just wanted the day to be normal. I continued my day not knowing exactly how I’m wanting to feel until I finally sat down now and thought people remembered, people actually care and I am loved, even if it’s not by who I want, it’s still by people who are important to me.
Since May 14th 2014 when I lost my 1st son, I want to say thank you to my family and especially Dani and Lana for being the guidance I’ve needed - if I didn’t have that I’m not sure how much strength I’d have. In these 2 years we have lost many friends because they don’t know how to be around us anymore and that is heart wrenching but at the same time, we have made many beautiful friends who actually understand. This almost 2 years I feel I’ve been to hell and back. I’m tired, I’m scared of everything, I’m paranoid, I’m lonely and completely mixed up. I’m also completely frustrated because all we want is a baby. I’m also happy that my eldest daughter finished prep but sad she can’t experience this with her brothers beside her. This year I plan on visiting my doctor and getting professional help for all of my issues that I have, not only with losing my boys.
I would really like to say for those of you who go through crap in life; don’t lose who you are in the meantime. Losing a baby is the worst I’ve ever gone through (3 times). Make sure you get help from the beginning because it’ll make things that bit easier when you feel no one is there.
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Wife to Luke and mummy to Tamara and Summer, in her arms, and Wade, Jax and Tristan, in heaven. I have recently completed certificates in law and in psychology and in the process of completing certificate in medicine. I am having time off at the moment to spend more time with my girls. But I am hoping one day I will continue where I want to go.