Saturday, 7 May 2016

Mother's Day! - Tiffany

Two years ago I got to experience my first Mother’s Day with 3 gorgeous children: my two girls and my first born son.

The Mother’s Day was amazing. I got a cup for the first time (I still use it), the love I was shown was amazing, a feeling I was willing to embrace for the rest of my life.  Little did I know 3 days later I’d lose my son and two years later I’d be 3 boys down with 2 girls who do their own thing.

I’m not looking forward to Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day scares me. Mother’s Day feels like bad luck to me. Since losing my boys I wonder if I’m even worthy of the day, I wonder who is going to leave next. I hope one day this goes away but I just don’t see how it can L.

For the first time my eldest daughter is so excited for Mother’s Day and I’m trying to keep excited with her but it’s so very hard.

To make my week worse, I’m 14 days late for my monthly: I did 5 tests, all negative and a blood test saying the same thing. All the doctor says is that it’s normal to be that late for some women and all I want is something positive.  

I often look to the moon for guidance from my boys and usually feel more lost than anything.

Our second daughter has started looking out the window of a morning, yelling hi Wade, Jax and Tristan. Then she turns to me and says Mummy I miss them. I reply  me too honey. I struggle to keep strong sometimes as I feel bad that they feel sad also. Our eldest daughter has started saying Mummy I miss you at school, I want to be with you all day. That makes me sad also because I understand the pain they feel and the worry they always have. Every day after school she asks Mummy are you pregnant yet? And her face when I say not yet hurts.

I’ve felt myself connected with my cousin who is nine at the moment and I think its my way of dealing,actually interacting with a boy: it makes me happy and sad to see what I’ve lost. I’m not even sure it makes sense.
It’s been a really long two years and I’m very tired and scared all the time. I feel I’m doing well, it’s just certain times that obviously get at me. As you can probably tell, I’m full of mixed emotions and its just an up and down rollercoaster that I have to ride.

Anyway I’m off to rest now, thanks for listening.                    Tiffany

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Tiffany Aghan

Wife to Luke and mummy to Tamara and Summer, in her arms, and Wade, Jax and Tristan, in heaven. I have recently completed certificates in law and in psychology and in the process of completing certificate in medicine. I am having time off at the moment to spend more time with my girls. But I am hoping one day I will continue where I want to go.

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