It often occurs to me still after thirty plus years, what would this darling baby I carried and then miscarried have looked like? Would he/she (because I never found out) have looked like my other children? I think that not knowing the baby’s gender has in part led to this sense of wonderment and sometimes confusion, not that it really mattered whether it was a boy or girl.
Why was I never told? The only thing I remember being told was: “your baby didn’t grow; it had no heart”. I wasn’t told why my baby had no heart. I carried this bub in my womb for 16 weeks! Why didn’t he/she have a heart? So many unexplained questions to which I never had answers to. This too, I think, led to the wonderment and confusion of losing this little angel. These feelings I think also left me feeling dissatisfied with this lack of knowledge and angry too. As much as I loved/love my three children, this sense of not knowing enough about my lost baby has left me with an empty feeling, a not knowing who this little person was.
I think now Winter is coming, I am reflecting much more about what was and what is. This may sound strange but I am sure there are many out there who get this just as there are many out there who do not! One can’t really explain these feelings as they are so personal, a fact in itself I feel adds to this feeling of wonderment, confusion and dissatisfaction.
“How can you feel like this after all this time”, I hear some people ask? I say I just do, that is it! I can’t explain it, it just is; so if you feel confused, think of me and all the other mothers who didn’t see their babies, didn’t feel them in their arms, didn’t see another part of themselves grow up and be parents themselves. Give us a break and show some empathy. If you can’t say anything of a supportive nature, don’t say anything. No words are better than the wrong words. We don’t need to be judged! Not that I am good at modelling this for myself sometimes! The part of me that comes from my critical parent ego state, a part I often don’t like, says “get over it and move on.” Then I get sensible and release myself from the burden of “having to get over it” and say “it is what it is and it is all okay.” In other words, I give myself permission to grieve still even if it is 30 plus years since my miscarriage. I can only imagine what it must be like for women who have had multiple miscarriages. Just love these women as that is all you can do.
I wrote these words as part of a poem some years ago but they still hold true today:
Little angels are here today,
As we wonder what might have been.
(Taken from Little Angels 2011)
Yes, I do wonder what might have been and yes I still feel an emptiness that will never be erased. I will continue to wonder and be confused from time to time, so bear with me and other Mums please especially at those times that are special to us.
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Therese has worked in the field of counselling and community development for over 20 years. She has worked predominantly in the health and welfare field. She has worked in the primary school sector counselling children through a range of loss and grief and traumatic experiences.
Therese has also delivered a number of conference papers on the theme of children’s loss and grief and articles on stress management too. She also worked as a Sessional teacher in the TAFE system and the Private Sector in the Community Services area, including Mental Health Welfare for over 20 years. She is also an experienced Supervisor.
Therese has as a small business conducting Reiki, Inner Child Therapy, Meditation and similar therapies. She is also works as a Group Facilitator and teaches stress management and relaxation techniques within the local community as well as running workshops in the areas of trauma and loss and grief and related areas.
Therese is a published poet and has three children and four delightful grandsons. She enjoys nothing more than a good cup of coffee and the occasional glass of wine or bubbly. She is passionate about climate change and the environment, wanting a clean world for her grandchildren to grow up in and one where any type of violence is not tolerated.