Thursday, 27 April 2017

Our Angel Twins - Fiona

So excited we discovered via ultrasound we were expecting twins,  this would help explain the intensity of  the symptoms I had been having, morning sickness, sore breast, brain fog, mood swings, heightened smell, aversion to certain foods and craving for others, dry ginger beer and peppermint essential oil aiding the morning sickness.  Reveling in the happiness of expecting twins a gift from god, and the beginning of making adjustments to our lives.  

The next morning there was spotting and a small patch of blood only lasting a day, my GP had said that it wasn't good but just to monitor and if worsens go to ED.  As the days followed I felt a gush of fluid, followed by spotting on and off.  Monday was a visit to the Midwife who explained this can happen but again if became worse present to ED.  

D Day The last 2 days have been intermittent spotting, my partner worked late Tuesday night so as he could have Wednesday as a day off, how well timed was this...  Tuesday night the spotting became more frequent with change in color my fears were becoming a reality sadness and shock filled my heart, the lower back pain increased throughout the evening but subsided when we went to bed, my usual toilet run at 4am presented some increased blood lighter in color and a clot/tissue, and a return of the lower back pain.  At 6am being increasingly uncomfortable but wanting my partner to get as much sleep as he could as I knew a drive to the hospital that day was eminent.  Leaning over to reach for clothes to wear I felt something larger had passed a knowing that it was them, I asked my partner for his help to the bathroom there they were, a clump of white tissue along with some placenta.  Organising ourselves we made the trek to hospital, a long wait as only one sonographer  was available, pain relief did aid the physical pain, the emotional pain and realisation was yet to set in.   Our fears confirmed those two precious heartbeats we had only seen a week before were now in heaven. 

Days followed with clots and placenta passing each day, codeine becoming my best friend.  The email service I had subscribed to with weekly updates of babies progress no longer applied to me.  The last two days have been hard, it feeling more real but at the same time numb, had this just happened to us.  I wanted them back!  Feeling sad uncontrollable crying in the car on the way home with my daughter from a shopping trip who is expecting her first bundle of joy, I prayed they would never have to experience this pain. 

Finding myself reaching for the anti depressants to ease the depression that followed.   All the questions you ask yourself had I done things differently, had I not had the internal scan would they still be here?? Even though experts have told me this isn't the case that chromosomes could have played a big part and miscarriage is very common. Having had 2 live healthy children with no issues it dawned on me how blessed I was, never thinking this would happen to me.   

Just over a week since the loss of our precious twins at 7 weeks the grieving process continues and the healing begins. 

A HUGE THANKYOU to my partner my rock and tower of strength, our parents who have helped were ever they could, friends sending their condolences.  Friday after the loss, I wanted to do something special for them, I had previously read on a blog of another parent suffering loss, they had placed there precious bundle in a box placing them in a big pot and planted a lovely plant in remembrance, I thought what a beautiful idea.  My angel babies reside in heaven and in our hearts, there reminders buried with a beautiful Rosemary bush and a lovely angel wind chime my favourite store helped me pick out, the chimes court by movement or wind a comforting reassuring reminder of them.  I am so blessed I have found the site via my own research as I was asked if I was ok but nothing else offered to me.   Writing this blog is healing in its own right.  Finding people willing to listen, keeping SANDS number handy in case of emergencies, keeping busy but DONT over do it as tiredness not a good thing, positive music in the background fills the room so I don't feel so alone.   As a lover of essential oils I find various scents uplifting and soothing to the soul.  As this journey continues, we are planning for the future and awaiting the blessing of a rainbow baby.

If you require support after reading this blog please contact 

Sands on 13 000 72637

About Fiona

Fiona has experienced the joys of giving birth to 2 living children and the sorrows of losing angels taken too soon.   She worked in Aged Care as a PCA since 2006 then went on to practise as a nurse since 2010 working predominately in Mental Health.  Being no stranger to death within her personal and professional life, she has started perusing her passion in educating and making support services for grief and Health known to the public.  As she is a lover of technology and the great outdoors she spends time photographing our beautiful landscape.  She also finds peace in spending time with her beloved horses she calls her sanctuary.    

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