The end of the year is always the hardest. Lacey was born sleeping on the 28th of September, 2014. The first half of the year is ok, I can manage, I can survive. August comes and in my mind the countdown begins. I remember the days leading up to her loss. Her heavenly birthday comes and goes, and then it’s my birthday in October. October is pregnancy loss awareness month, it’s still hard and her loss and life without her breaks me all over again.
I try so hard. I’ve always loved Christmas. My family and I aren’t very close but Christmas time we all come together and it feels so wonderful to be able to share it with them.
My first Christmas without Lacey was 3 months after losing her. Half my family weren’t around, only my Aunty mentioned her and asked how I was doing. Fighting my tears and heartbreak I thanked her for asking.
Christmas will never be the same. I try with all my heart to be 100% happy. But how can you? There is always a place missing next to the Christmas tree, there is laughter that is missing, giggling sisters comparing presents and probably fighting over who got what.
One less excited little girl on Christmas morning. A lot of my sadness is for Scarlett: she doesn’t know my heartache of course and I put on a brave face and make sure she never misses out, but there is one thing I may never be able to give her and that is a sibling.
I watch my only living daughter at Christmas time, she has so much enthusiasm and love for life. I am lucky. She has given me my strength; Lacey has given me my resilience. But her presence is always missed. I would give anything to spend just one day with her alive.
She would have been so loved, life would be chaotic and having my daughters by side would have completed my heart.
When Scarlett is asleep, I always play “silent night”. It makes me sad and cry to the point that I can’t breathe, but it makes me think of Lacey and her beautiful, peaceful, silent birth.
Merry Christmas little Lacey. This is your fourth and you are never forgotten. Your angel is placed on the Christmas tree, there is tinsel around your ashes and your stocking is hanging next to Scarlett’s.
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Hi my name is Mel, mother to Scarlett, aged 4 , my miracle born at 33 weeks, Lacey, born sleeping at 30 weeks & 3 other angel babies lost through miscarriage at 12 weeks. I lost Lacey due to a placental abruption, other miscarriages are unexplained. It's been 3 years since I lost Lacey & I can only now speak about her without crying, although a piece of my heart will always remain with her. I will keep trying for my rainbow baby. I hope sharing my story will help others learn to speak about their children who didn't make it earth side. We are not alone.