Heartbreak and Sadness - Monyth

Monyth talks about how no one had prepared her partner and herself about the feelings of heartbreak and sadness following an early pregnancy loss

It all started from our very first scan at 8 weeks. I still remember the radiographer’s face didn’t look that good. Then she said she will call the doctor to have a look. Then they decided to send me home and to make an appointment with my GP. After that, we needed to do another scan two weeks later. The second radiologist explained it to  us in a  bit more detail. Both radiologists asked me if I ever had bleeding and I said no. But that doesn’t mean I’m safe from the risk of losing our baby, since we can’t find our baby’s heartbeat.

That night I still remember how worried I was. I couldn’t sleep almost all night. I searched for an answer from the internet. I found the answer that I’m looking for:  it is called blighted ovum. This is a condition when the sac is growing but the baby is not developing. That’s why we couldn’t find our baby’s heartbeat earlier.

The next day, we saw our GP and he explained to us with the diagram and said that I have a blighted ovum. My nightmare became reality now. I tried to put on my brave face, we went home and cried. The most devastating news we ever heard.

The following day, we saw a specialist from the Early Assessment Pregnancy Unit. She did another scan for us before making decision. I thought I still had another little hope, if we could see our baby, but no luck as well with the last scan. That’s our last hope gone forever.

Then the specialist discussed  our options. I chose surgery -  D & C. The night before our surgery I started bleeding. That made me realise how naturally my body is working.

The next day my husband and I waited in the waiting room with so many other people. We were waiting anxiously. I know I will lose our baby after this surgery. Finally the nurse called me up at 4PM.

I woke up at 6:00 PM in the strange place, the nurse start talking to me and asked if I am ok. Of course I am not ok.  I feel so empty and sad.

Then they started to wheel my bed to the recovery room and she asked me if I wanted her to call my husband. I said yes. My husband came straight away as he had been waiting anxiously for the last two hours and thinking there was something wrong with me. We had a chat and he brought me a teddy bear and choc chips muffins to cheer me up. Then they sent me home.

A few days later I went back to work again. I have  time to think in the morning, while I drove to work. I was thinking on my way to work, and by the time I got into the carpark, I burst into tears -  so many questions in my head but I don’t have the answers.  Why did this happen to us? Is there any way I could have prevented this  happening? Is ther any way I could have protect our baby more? If this has never happened what would our baby have been like? So many questions are running through my head.

So many people said to us to move on. I just want to scream at them,  and I said to them to leave me alone. Only two people really understood my feelings, my husband and my sister. With my so many tears over the months, I tried to be strong.

One Sunday morning, I saw a photo of my friend with his wife and they had their beautiful baby shower. It just broke my heart. I cried almost all day, until my mother in law called me. She just listened to my sob for almost half an hour. Her words of caring and understanding comfort me and ease my pain in my heart.

After I hung up the phone, I contact this lovely lady from Sands Tasmania by email. Her name is Lyndy, she replied to my email almost straight away. I started write my email and felt so close to her straight away. She said to me to give myself all the time I need to grieve and never lose hope for the future.

I was contacting “Little BIG LOVE” author, Danielle Loy. Danielle is so lovely, she sent me a copy of her book, because she knows I really need to read her book. So many stories from different women, stories about their pregnancy losses and hopes for the future. Their stories open my heart and help me to realise not to give up on my future. Thank you Danielle for sharing your stories and writing the book for us.

Another day, another heartbreaking experience:  my work colleagues discussing about their future baby and future niece or nephew… I am always thinking why they do that? So many people are so insensitive.

I had a discussion with one of my colleagues. She also had experience with miscarriage, so she is understanding about my feelings.  All my feelings are so raw since I had the miscarriage not so long ago.  She also gave me encouragement to be strong and hope for the future.

I keep saying to myself almost every single day, “Be Strong Mon, you can do it” …. You will get through this.

I want to share a little story about Hope… we chose our special name for our baby : “Baby Hope”.  It means hope for our future baby and hope for our future, for our little family that hopefully will grow with our kids someday. I am always thinking that baby Hope also watches us from heaven now.  Realise that we always love you. 

Mon

If you require support after reading this blog please contact

Sands on 13 000 72637

Monyth Wayth

My Name is Mon Wayth. I am based in Hobart with my husband Ash. We moved to Hobart about 3 years ago from Melbourne, while we met and got married in a beautiful lavender farm. We have one angel baby name Hope and one little cute dog name Spotty. At the moment I am working through my dreams to open my future dream café in Hobart. I am trying to keep my mind busy, so I am not feeling so sad and empty in my heart, even though sometimes it is so hard to keep to do so. Baby Hope is still going to be part of our extraordinary life and make us grow stronger as a couple and as long as we have each other, we will be fine.