Jeremy's Story - Alisha

Alisha shared the poem she wrote for Jeremy which was published on August 31st.  She now shares with us precious Jeremy's story.

'At my husband’s insistence we had a very small funeral with only immediate family.  It was the smallest coffin I’ve ever seen, but it was decorated with gorgeous flowers and the blue elephant that reminded me of him and it was just perfect.'

After three years of infertility and countless treatments, my husband and I were finally successful in conceiving thanks to a round of IVF.  I was so ecstatic to finally be pregnant; I never dreamt it wouldn’t result in my family dream coming true.  I had already bought everything I needed, decorated the perfect nursery, and had the big scary 20 week scan and everything was more or less how it should be.  There was a strange comment about low amnio fluid, so my obstetrician suggested we come and see him the following week, just to put my mind at ease.  Neither he nor us had any idea that the next time he saw us he would be telling us he couldn’t find a heartbeat and then organising for me to be induced the following day.

My husband wouldn’t really acknowledge that we had a child, to him this was just another setback in our journey to become parents, so we just needed to get the medical part out of the way and get on with our lives.  As a result he wasn’t really there for me at the hospital, preferring to sit in a chair on the other side of the room rather than hold my hand as I gave birth to our son.  He refused to look at him, and I’m not sure if it was the drugs, his attitude, the exhaustion, the shock, or his pressure to leave the hospital, but as a result I didn’t really hold my son.  I didn’t spend any real time with him, didn’t take photos or anything to remember him.  Instead I left him with the nurses and headed home so my husband could go to the gym, and at the time that seemed like acceptable behaviour.

I think after such a long journey to conceive my son and only being 21 weeks, it was as if I didn’t feel entitled to grieve - these things happen and you just need to focus on what comes next.  I had already been through so much grieving for the children I couldn’t conceive over the last three years; this was just another part of this journey.  I felt like a fraud saying my son was stillborn!  To me stillborn children only happened to the poor women who had to carry their babies full term and then they died.  Even though I had just gone through labour and delivered my son naturally it was so hard for me to think of myself as being in the same category as them – what they go through must be the most devastating thing in the world.

I am so grateful to the wonderful family and friends who came to visit me the next day and who messaged and sent so many beautiful flowers.  All of the support and how upset they all were helped me realise the severity of what I had actually just been through, and to help me see that I was a Mother and I had lost my child – it wasn’t just another medical procedure.  Once that sunk in I felt sick with guilt that I hadn’t spent more time with him, we hadn’t even named him.  My husband wasn’t interested in naming him and refused to let me use any of the names on our list.  I had always liked the name “Jeremy” and when I looked up the meaning it was “God will raise him and God will set him free”.  I’m not a religious person, but this just fitted perfectly.  After that moment I started to get selfish and do what I needed to do to honour my son and how much he meant to me. 

Work was amazingly supportive and gave me as much time off as I needed so I spent my first few days reading other’s stories - the first story I found was actually a DJ from a local radio station that I had listened to most mornings since I was young and it gave me so much comfort and hope to know I wasn’t alone.  This can be such an isolating time, especially when you don’t have partner support, and while I knew of people who had suffered miscarriages, I didn’t know of anyone who had ever had a stillborn - I got so much comfort from strangers generous enough to share their stories.  I then focused on planning the perfect funeral and found great healing in writing.  The wonderful funeral director had angel babies of her own and was heavily involved in SANDS and she gave me some amazing books that really helped.  She could also see that my husband was not in the same place as I was and managed us very well so she could offer me so much support and guidance.  Through her I organised for myself, my parents and my Mother in Law to be able to spend some time with Jeremy.  I know this meant a lot to all of them.  Jeremy was the first Grandchild for both sets of parents, and they really appreciated being able to see him, hold him and say goodbye.

At my husband’s insistence we had a very small funeral with only immediate family.  It was the smallest coffin I’ve ever seen, but it was decorated with gorgeous flowers and the blue elephant that reminded me of him and it was just perfect.  I read the a poem I had written for him, others spoke and I created the perfect soundtrack.  A good friend sent a bag of gorgeous baby blue helium balloons to my house that morning which we released after the ceremony.  At my insistence we followed the funeral with a large wake to celebrate Jeremy and what he meant to me. I was so touched that over 70 people came to the wake to celebrate Jeremy, his significance and how much he meant to all of us. 

At the time I passed off my husband’s behaviour as just his way of grieving, but the death of Jeremy was the last straw for him and he wasn’t prepared to go through any more to get our family.  As a result he left me a week later. 

On August 31 it will be 3 years since Jeremy was born sleeping.  I like to think his passing was the greatest gift a child could ever give a parent.  I can now see my marriage would not have survived regardless and Jeremy has given me a clean break and a second chance at happiness.  I still have good and bad days, and think of Jeremy at some point during most days - I just hope he is proud of the life I am living thanks to his sacrifice.

Alisha

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Alisha Burns

Alisha is a 35 year old kiwi marketer living in Melbourne and mother of one angel, Jeremy, who was stillborn at 21 weeks in 2012.  Alisha loves exploring the world, impressing people with her ability to walk in 6 inch stilettos, anything Disney, experimenting in the kitchen, pretending she can sing at karaoke. One day she would love a French Bulldog to complete her menagerie if she isn't lucky enough to have children of her own.