It has been six years since precious Jasper died. In this blog, Dani shares with us her memories of what has occurred since Jasper died and her memories of the time surrounding his death.
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| Photo taken and copyrighted to Dani Hall |
When I
stop to think about it – really think – so
much has happened since his passing. We lost our house, went through fertility clinics to try and discover my
infertility problems, we had a rainbow, we raised money for a camera kit for
Heartfelt, I’ve lost 3 nephews – one to SIDS and two to prematurity, I’ve been
blessed with 4 nieces, helped my mother-in-law find happiness with another
partner and watched her get married, gotten a job as a sleep scientist,
graduated university with a Bachelor of Justice and currently enrolled to
complete a Master of Social Work, volunteered online with SANDS, enrolled my
rainbow in prep, took a family road trip, watched Gangad pass, had two sisters
get married, my rainbow had surgery and broke his leg, watched many friends get
married and have babies and I’ve gotten 3 tattoos. And that’s just what I can
think of, off the top of my head.
But
then there’s the other side of time. Where it seems like it hasn’t passed at
all. Where I think about his birth – rushing for an emergency caesarean and his
admittance to the NICU. The strong yearning to see my baby – to hear him cry.
The fond memory that we thought he was a girl right up until the moment he was
born. The name we had picked out for him – Taryn – until he was born and we had
to think of his name on the spot. The sheer relief that flooded through me when
he was born, knowing he would be taken care of. The feeling of my heart
plummeting when they told me to make the choice to continue care or remove him
from life support. The knowledge that I had seen him only a few hours earlier
and he was alive – kicking,
responding to my touch – and knowing I’d never see that again. And in there
hazily, the memory of my dad holding his oldest grandson, saying goodbye,
telling him how proud he was of him. Getting wheeled back to my room after
kissing him goodbye, knowing I’d never see him again. The sheer pain in my
heart – hurting to move – hurting to
breathe. The guilt for removing support. Preparing a cremation and funeral.
Something no parent should have to do.
The overwhelming
support and the text from my dad I will never forget “Dani, you should be very
proud for creating a life and trying to give him the best chance possible – not
many people can do that”. The foggy memories of loved ones visiting – and
trying – really trying to connect but
not being able to. The loss of friends.
The
memories are right there, as though it all happened yesterday, but it’s been 6
years. 6 years ago we still thought he was a girl. 6
years ago we knew our baby would be born early we just didn't know when. 6
years ago I was still in ignorant bliss that our baby would survive. Little did
we know in 24 hours our baby boy (surprise not a girl) would be born at 25+6
weeks and another 10 hours after that we would have to take him off life
support and watch him go to heaven in my arms.
Time has taken away a lot of my innocence,
given me a lot of grief, taken my son further and further away from me. But it
has also given me many happy moments, blessed me with another son, made me who
I am today.
“No matter how much time passes, no matter what
takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to
oblivion, memories we can never rub away.”
–
Hakuri Murakami
Dani
If you require support after reading this blog please contact
Sands on 13 000 72637
Danielle Hall
Wife to Corey and Mumma to two boys: Jasper Rhys in heaven and Harrison Phillip Robert in her arms. Jasper passed away after PPROM at 23 weeks and birth at 26 weeks, surviving for 10 hours in the NICU unit. Currently completing a Master of Social Work with the goal to aid in the safety and protection of all children, because all children deserve to feel safe and loved.
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