Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Breaking from the heart break

Sands blogger Trudi Bristow shares her story about the loss of her twins and how it changed her life

From the moment we heard TWINS our life changed. My body changed and grew rapidly, and my slight figure felt the physical changes hard and fast whilst I continued to work full time. We were heading towards the middle of our pregnancy and our morphology scan was fast approaching when I started to have a lot of complaints. 
But I had started to feel my babies move around so I felt assured all was well with them, and that things were perhaps just not right with me.
I was so wrong. The days that preceded us having our morphology scan were difficult ones. I was having pain, spotting, irritability and I just wasn’t myself, I couldn’t sleep. The Wednesday of that week saw me taken to hospital in an ambulance; with pain that was getting the better of me. From that day things got serious as we started to learn how truly rare and unique the twins I was carrying were. Our girls were mono-mono twins sharing the same sac and placenta, a pregnancy that out of all twin pregnancies is the rarest second to Siamese Twins. 

As our story goes I was discharged from hospital because after tests no underlying issues could be pinpointed to what was happening to me. I was cautioned though, that if it continued and especially if I had more bleeding to return to hospital. Two days later on the Friday morning, I was back in hospital and no closer to an answer to why I was in pain like I had never felt before.

Early Sunday evening of May 25th 2008 I changed forever, our lives changed forever, our innocence changed forever when through the most horrific pain I have ever endured my waters ruptured with the intensity and force that felt like an explosion which immediately caused my sweet girls to be born into the hospital toilet. 
A primal scream of heart break and despair released from my body and in that moment I became shell of the person I was and in an instant changed forever.
In the days, hours and weeks that followed I wished the grim reaper would relieve me from my hell, but for seconds I’d have fleeting moments of clarity, moments of clarity where a new person was forming; a new me. A person who did not want such heartbreak be what would define the remainder of my life, in those moments I was determined that as much as it hurt I would journey to find some bliss and happiness in life again.

Two cycles after losing our girls we fell pregnant and in April of 2009 were blessed with the successful birth of our first son after an extremely emotionally difficult pregnancy. Our baby boy started to heel our hearts, despite the throes of grief we were still in. We were overjoyed by him but our grief yearned to fill the holes in our hearts, so we started trying for another baby when he was just six months old, which saw us have two further losses and then the arrival our daughter.

During all this time I longed to release myself of the words in my head and heart so I started a blog to document our story. Little did I know that by starting a blog that my story would connect me to others all around the world. Suddenly I started to have people willing to be there to offer words of support and encouragement along the way. I started to see how other bloggers were sharing their life’s experiences, stories, talents and passions to connect with others. These wonderful supportive people were responsible for starting little fires in my heart again, reigniting my soul and my life’s passions.

Slowly but surely over five years I have a honoured  the calling in my heart to live out my passions, fear no longer holds me back from anything I want to try. How can it? The worst has already happened. All I have to do is think of my girls and know I have lived through the darkest and what at times seemed like the most insurmountable days, to be where I am today.   

As a result nearly four years ago I started a second blog all about my love and passion for a vintage loving life. It has gone on to honour all my creative, collector and entrepreneurial passions and who I am at my core.

I no longer add any new posts to my original blog that holds my girls journey, but it remains public and there for those who feel lost and alone and caught in the darkness of loss. I now blog at My Vintage Childhood and run a vintage children’s business, whilst juggling my three earthbound loves whilst guided by my angel girls Elle and Meg in everything I do.

Meet Trudi
I’m a mum, wife, dreamer, blogger, business owner, post traumatic stress sufferer, I’m a survivor, vintage lover and an angel mumma to four heavenly souls. Five years ago I started writing a blog after the loss of our twin girls Elle and Meg and that single one decision along with my story of loss has transformed my life. My name is Trudie and these days I live out my passions and dreams at My Vintage Childhood, and I am constantly reminded that through such heartbreak a blessed and full life can be lived, and that is what I wish for you too.

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